It's weird how just a handfull of pills can end everything. in YEET My Life

How an action so small can result in something as incomprehensible and huge as life or death. How ten or twenty, seven centimeter long pills can hurt so many people. How something that was intended to ease pain can take it away completely or give you an eternity of greater pain than you can imagine. How something that takes five seconds to do can effect someone eternally. How I wish I had that choice. But even if I did, how I’m not able to swallow even one pill. I feel like God is taunting me. My name literally means strong or pearl, even though I’m neither. I’m a waste of space, but I’m too cowardly and weak to take my life. Pearls are expensive and valuable, but I am worthless. Even if I did work up the courage it takes to kill myself, God probably wouldn’t let me leave. The doctors would probably bring me back and I would never be able to do it again. I need to just face it, I’m stuck here. I would probably go to hell anyways, so why does it matter? I deserve this. Why? For existing.