The bottom of a bottle in My Life I Guess

For the entirety of my middle school experience I’ve taken all the risks that I’m supposed to take in my teens or even my twenties. I’ve gone to parties, done quite a lot if different drugs, and i have gotten involved with tons of different people, people i shouldn’t be involved with. Its hard for anybody to really understand, i’m not drinking or smoking to really escape from anything other than myself. Oddly enough i’m not a very nice or happy person. Its hard for me to be nice, not say dumb shit, and make people angry. I talk back and everyone is kinda super annoying. When i’m high all of that just goes away. I don’t like alcohol. I don’t like the way it tastes, I don’t like the way it smells, and i hate vomiting. But yesterday i had a bottle filled about a quarter way. I planned to take a bit so no one would notice, just enough the edge off. I kept going back and talking a quick shot, i even put it in my tea and drank it. It was super fun, it always is, being human and just being able to live without having thoughts bombard me every second of every day. If my brain were a computer i probably have like four viruses and three windows `with fifteen tabs each, and having something to drown out the noise coming from random tabs its great. I stumbled into the kitchen and took another swig and then i had realized the bottle was fucking empty. I hadn’t even noticed. What an embarrassing feeling. going through a day sober is an actual challenge, and that’s probably fucked up and not okay for a 14 year old. Normally i wouldn’t find happiness in a bottle, id find in a joint. I love weed, and i’m not stupid like everybody thinks, i know what it can do. I wish i could just convince the adults around me that the pros outweigh the cons, but they never listen. I know its wrong but i think i’m fine to be completely honest. I wanna get through a day being sober and being happy at the same time. I was diagnosed with Depression, Several types of anxiety, PTSD, and adjustment disorder. i was 10, and it didn’t really come as a shock. I wish i could live normally but i just naturally look at everything as dull. I have a hopeful lookout on life though, i don’t plan to be drunk or high for the rest of my life, just till i figure everything out. The thing is i don’t know what i’m figuring out. I just wish i could know what i wanted. Sometimes i think i’m looking too deep into it. Maybe i just like being high.