today i finally got to spend time with my mom. i almost never see her so the time we had together was so nice. she gave me some clothes that didn’t fit her anymore, im wearing her hoodie right now. i keep smelling her perfume and crying because i miss her so much.
i wish my sister would let my mom move in with us. i will never understand why she treats our own mother like this. i love my mom so much, she has done the best she could through the years. i understand our upbringing was rough, but she loved and cared for us more than anyone ever has and ever will. she is our mother.
when corey (my father) picked me up and took me home i couldn’t stop crying on the way home. i know my mom wanted me to spend the night, and honestly the second i got in the car i couldn’t stop regretting not staying… but i really did not feel comfortable sleeping in the living room on sue’s couch. plus what would happen when my mom left for the clinic in the morning?
but now here i am, alone in my room. wishing i had stayed. i am such an idiot i hate myself so much. i wish i had died when i tried to kill myself. i hope the facility i was gonna go to will accept me as a patient and that it won’t shut down due to the corona virus.
i just want to stop feeling this way. ever since i made the attempt things have been much worse and much different. food has no taste. everything angers me quite easily. all i do is cry and sleep. i dont know what to do. and the fact that everyone thinks i tried killing myself because of the crappy job i loss is just insulting. i didn’t care about that job at all.
i feel so alone and miserable all the time. i am pretty useless like this. i can’t even watch the girls lately because my mind hasn’t been all there lately.
i’m so scared of sleeping at night now too. i never used to have nightmares. i don’t know why i do now. it would be nice if they could stop please, thanks.
writing this down really is not making me feel much better but it was worth a shot. usually to fall asleep i play vsauce videos on youtube and get sleepy eventually. but tonight i don’t want to watch him for some reason. i don’t know what i want though. i just want to feel at peace, i want to stop thinking about all the bad things. i want my mind to relax. i want to stop crying.
mom i am so sorry i didn’t stay the night. i really wish i did. because i am so alone. i know joshua said i can call him when i’m upset, but i feel like such a huge burden on everyone. i really wish i had died, but i also know my mom would kill herself if i had, so would joshua.
please god please take some of this pain away if you are out there.
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