Realization in My Life

I realized this weekend that if G said he wanted a divorce, I'd be relieved. I'd be frightened and sad and worried about the kids, but relieved. I realized the issue is that I am, and always have been, a "rule follower." I have always made the right choices, and done the right thing. G and I had whirlwind engagement and I have always been determined to prove everyone wrong that it was too fast to last. It's 12 years later, 10 of marriage, so I'd say we gave it a good shot. But ultimately? I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to admit that I failed. I don't want to have people look at me knowing I'm one of the 50% of marriages that didn't make it. I've done everything as I should: good student, some sports, musical, worked from age 15 on, went to college, got my degree, got a job a couple months later, met G, fell in love, got married, bought a house, got pregnant. I think the hardest part for me is admitting that this isn't how I thought my life would be, that this isn't good anymore, that we can't get back what we once had, that maybe I made the wrong decision marrying him. And so I wonder, like my dad said the other day, maybe he thinks the same and he's just waiting on me to pull the plug. I had another weekend that wasn't so bad. We got along fine, he did some things around the house. It wasn't bad. But I'm not saying I had a good weekend, either. And I want to be able to say that. I want affection and love in my life. My friend the other night said "What if he just kissed you tonight?" I said I'd probably punch him. She said it's over. I truly don't know what to do. Keep up the charade of trying when in my heart, I think it's over? Nobody can tell me what's best for the kids......I just don't know what to do. I wish someone could do it for me. I honestly think that's where my frustration with counseling lies! I think I thought someone would eventually say "You two need some time apart" or "I don't see this working out." I think some do? Maybe? Ours....I don't think so. <sigh> I don't know what to do.