I really wanted to do the Decade entry because it’s been a pretty awful one all told but I think it would also help me get things in perspective. However it would take a lot of organisation, time and energy and those commodities are in very short supply right now so it might have to be a ‘work in progress’!
I was just thinking the other day of how much loss I’ve gone through this decade and it’s more than I realised.
The loss of my marriage;
The loss of my married name;
The loss of my marriage home;
The loss of my freedom (when Nikki moved back in then when Nikki and Lily stayed with me for a while);
The loss of my long-term job;
The loss of health temporarily;
The loss of work temporarily;
The loss of my dog, Trooper;
The loss of Mum;
The loss of health permanently;
The loss of work permanently;
The loss of my relationship with my daughter;
The loss of a steady, reliable income;
The loss of dignity, control, ability, self-esteem, self worth, confidence, pleasure, identity, contact and loads more;
The loss of my cat, Willow;
The loss of my cat, Snarf.
Put like that it’s quite daunting! Some of them have been clawed back I'm glad to say but I definitely have a thicker skin around me now.
Anyway here goes with the 2019 one.
What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Become embroiled more fully in our wonderful benefits system which was a source of unending stress but ultimately satisfaction.
Did you stick to any resolutions?
I did actually - I can remember saying I wanted 2019 to be the year I concentrated on sorting out the benefits/income situation and I pretty much did (thanks to the lovely Karl). I went to a Tribunal in February to get the Employment Support Allowance (ESA) sorted out, Karl allowed me to avoid having to go to another one to sort out the Personal Independence Payment which I’d applied for in August 2018 but I still might have to go to yet another one to contest the £3,000 ESA overpayment they’re insisting I pay back. The jury’s out as to whether or not I’ll put myself through that particular stress.
I also gave myself a goal of writing in my private diary every day (A4 page to a day proper diary) and an online entry once a month. I’ve completed both of those.
Are you making more for 2020?
(1) The online entries were occasionally a bit of a challenge last year so I’m sticking with the same goal for diary entries this year - every day for private; every month for online.
(2) I’m going to try adding another activity to the week which is quite hard with all the pacing nonsense that has to go on but I’ll give it a go.
(3) Number 2 blends well with this one which is that this year I’m sorting out the counselling voluntary work once and for all. If it doesn’t work out, I have 2 other activities on the back burner as Plan Bs.
(4) I’ve let my eating habits go a bit mad with an 8lbs gain as a result so I’m going to try and sort that out and get back down to 10st 7lbs (147 lbs).
(5) I’m going to try the occasional evening activity this year to see if that’s improved any. It’s been a source of frustration that the writing group an hour’s drive away always made me ill yet I can go out to Nikki’s (half an hour away) every week and stay there till really late without too many repercussions. I do certainly feel unwell when driving but I don’t think it can be that because I was able to drive up to Inverness (three hours away) and back in one day recently and that was certainly bearable. There is no manual for Chronic Fatigue though unfortunately.
To this end I have another writing group to try out - it meets in an evening but is local so might be better - it’s a children’s writing group though so will be a different road to go down. I also intend to find out when any of the performers my cousin manages are going to be playing in Aberdeen because she always very kindly offers me complimentary tickets but at the last minute so it’s difficult for me to go (also the whole evening thing) - however if I have an idea when these are I can maybe plan that out a bit better. It’s a good way of trying an evening thing out without it costing me any money :)
And now I’m going to have to make good on the counselling one because in Italian yesterday she went round each of us asking for one resolution, wrote them up, took a photo and is apparently going to check with us that we’re keeping them!
So I have to do it now :)
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes - we were blessed with two births this year.
(1) Nikki had Ruari on the 5th March;
(2) My nephew, Arran, and his wife Melissa, in New York had their second baby - a wee girl, Molly. Look at this Dad's chuffed face!
Arran was the first grandchild of his generation to be born - I can hardly believe the wee scrap I held all those years ago will be 45 this year - way to make me feel old!!
And here is the 4 of them - Arran, Oscar, Melissa and Molly.
Did anyone close to you die?
No thankfully.
What countries did you visit?
I didn’t set foot out of Scotland but I was okay with that.
What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
A return to my counselling voluntary work.
What dates from 2019 will remain etched on your memory and why?
5th March when Ruari was born. I had no idea if I would even make it to the hospital or how long I would last out and not only was I there when Nikki went up, I was able to be there for the whole thing with her, see him being born and stay with her until she was comfortable. It was absolutely magical.
And the 22nd October when the lovely Karl phoned me and ensured I had a reasonable income to live on for the next year and a half. I cried with relief when I came off the phone.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had really debilitating ear pain for a good 2 months of the summer which was awful then had a bad reaction to a filling at the dentist’s in October which went on for a couple of weeks.
I’m excluding the crap that comes with CFS obviously because that’s a given.
What was the best thing you bought?
My new iphone - a red XR. I love it - would totally recommend it -
and one of the great things I discovered it can do is swype typing which has been a boon for me in the mornings when I can’t manage much. This is done by tracing letters across the phone instead of tapping each character so is much less effort and quicker.
Here's an example of it:
I use that time to catch up on Prosebox and if things are bad, it takes me all my time to write comments - it’s helped with that immeasurably.
I also bought this case for it - I spent literally hours searching for just the right one🙄 and finally narrowed it down to two. Eventually plumped for this one then weeks later realised the text was in Italian - it’s like it picked me!!
Also this throw for the bed -
I like to put a cover on the bed because Bailey sleeps on it a lot and I bought this one randomly but it turned out to be the perfect size covering the whole bed and it’s sooooo amazingly cosy on cold nights! (And of course has been given the Sleeping Cat Seal Of Approval :).
Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Nikki’s occasionally. My brother and his wife’s (came over here on the 17th of December for 5 days and are still here! Because of Matt being in hospital, his brother’s birth, Matt having to go back into hospital then unfortunately having to be whisked off to Edinburgh Sick Kids because they found a tumour :( He had an operation on Wednesday and they think they got it all out but won’t know until he gets a biopsy in 2 weeks’ time. Ian and Margaret have just put everything on hold to be there to support them through it all and are currently looking after their house and dogs while they’re in Edinburgh.)
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Nikki’s occasionally (lol) and certain world leaders.
Where did most of your money go?
Paying for events we took the kids to, the phone, car maintenance and Christmas presents.
Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?
Happier. I seem to have a little bit more stamina, some of my more distressing symptoms appear to have reduced drastically and Nikki is managing the three kids really well so isn’t causing me so much stress.
Thinner or fatter?
Definitely fatter! Totally my own doing though.
Richer or poorer?
Richer as I’m finally getting an income I can just about scrape by on.
What do you wish you’d done more of?
Italian homework!
What do you wish you’d done less of?
Had completely sleepless nights :(
Did you fall in love in 2019?
Nope.
What was your favourite TV programme?
Oh that’s a hard one. I loved most of the documentaries I watched but I can’t think of anything that really stood out this year.
Do you hate anybody now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.
What did you want and get?
A new grandson. A new iphone. A bed for Bailey.
What did you want and not get?
My old body back :)
What was the best book you read?
I think possibly Margaret Forster’s Diary Of An Ordinary Woman.
What was your favourite film of this year?
I watched a shedload of films I must admit but none in particular stand out. However my two firm favourites are Brief Encounter and Atonement. I watch Brief Encounter pretty much every year and it never fails to disappoint.
What did you do on your birthday and how old?
I was 61 and Nikki laid on a cream tea for me at her house :)
What would have made 2019 better?
Not having to go through so much stress in order to achieve some sort of income to live on.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
Jeans and jumpers/tops with ankle boots.
What kept you sane?
Prosebox and the kids.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Nobody rocked my boat I’m sorry to say.
Who did you miss?
Mum and Dad occasionally. Willow and Snarf a lot.
Was 2019 a good year for you?
There was a lot of stress and feeling rough but on the whole I was building life back up again so there was a lot of that too.
What was your favourite moment of the year?
Watching Ruari being born. And guessing his birthweight (because I knew that definitely didn’t come from me).
What was your least favourite moment of the year?
All the times I just felt so ill :(
How did you spend Christmas?
I went out to Nikki’s - we opened presents, had a lovely meal, played with the kids, put them to bed, played FRIENDS Monopoly then watched pics and videos of the kids and funny stuff before I toddled off home at 2 a.m.
Did you make any new friends in 2019?
I did catch up with a couple of old friends at Christmas and would like to keep in contact but it’s difficult with the situation I’m in so I’m not beating myself up if it doesn’t happen (except I so will :).
Did you meet anybody from PB in 2019?
Nope.
How many concerts did you see in 2019?
I had the chance to see at least 2 but had to turn them down unfortunately.
Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2019?
I think I had half a can of lager one hot day in the summer but that was literally it. I don’t miss it at all.
How many people did you sleep with in 2019?
Just Bailey :)
What was your proudest moment in 2019?
Nikki giving birth to Ruari - she coped really well this time which was a far cry from Lily’s birth!
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2019?
Nothing’s coming to mind right now.
If you could go back in time and change something that happened during 2019 what would it be?
Nikki’s treatment of Duncan (Ruari’s Dad).
What songs will remind you of 2019?
I’m finding now that I need silence more and more as background noise so the only music I really hear is in the car. However weirdly I‘ve constantly had earworms running in my head since I’ve been ill, usually when someone mentions a tune or song in their diary. So I have a lovely piece of classical music called ‘Lascia Ch’io Pianga’ which I play every so often and which seems to reset things. It’s also the music used at the beginning of the slightly weird film, *Antichrist*, which has the most mesmerising opening sequence to a film I’ve ever seen.
What are your plans for 2020?
To just keep on keeping on - living, laughing, loving and growing :)
Tell us a valuable lesson that you learned this year.
That love really is the answer. I had long suspected it but I was more convinced than ever this year.
There were some questions which stumped me so I took them out. Biggest achievement, biggest failure - those words have come to mean something different now and I can’t quite attach the same significance to them if that makes sense. Also this was long enough as it was!
I was just thinking the other day of how much loss I’ve gone through this decade and it’s more than I realised.
The loss of my marriage;
The loss of my married name;
The loss of my marriage home;
The loss of my freedom (when Nikki moved back in then when Nikki and Lily stayed with me for a while);
The loss of my long-term job;
The loss of health temporarily;
The loss of work temporarily;
The loss of my dog, Trooper;
The loss of Mum;
The loss of health permanently;
The loss of work permanently;
The loss of my relationship with my daughter;
The loss of a steady, reliable income;
The loss of dignity, control, ability, self-esteem, self worth, confidence, pleasure, identity, contact and loads more;
The loss of my cat, Willow;
The loss of my cat, Snarf.
Put like that it’s quite daunting! Some of them have been clawed back I'm glad to say but I definitely have a thicker skin around me now.
Anyway here goes with the 2019 one.
What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Become embroiled more fully in our wonderful benefits system which was a source of unending stress but ultimately satisfaction.
Did you stick to any resolutions?
I did actually - I can remember saying I wanted 2019 to be the year I concentrated on sorting out the benefits/income situation and I pretty much did (thanks to the lovely Karl). I went to a Tribunal in February to get the Employment Support Allowance (ESA) sorted out, Karl allowed me to avoid having to go to another one to sort out the Personal Independence Payment which I’d applied for in August 2018 but I still might have to go to yet another one to contest the £3,000 ESA overpayment they’re insisting I pay back. The jury’s out as to whether or not I’ll put myself through that particular stress.
I also gave myself a goal of writing in my private diary every day (A4 page to a day proper diary) and an online entry once a month. I’ve completed both of those.
Are you making more for 2020?
(1) The online entries were occasionally a bit of a challenge last year so I’m sticking with the same goal for diary entries this year - every day for private; every month for online.
(2) I’m going to try adding another activity to the week which is quite hard with all the pacing nonsense that has to go on but I’ll give it a go.
(3) Number 2 blends well with this one which is that this year I’m sorting out the counselling voluntary work once and for all. If it doesn’t work out, I have 2 other activities on the back burner as Plan Bs.
(4) I’ve let my eating habits go a bit mad with an 8lbs gain as a result so I’m going to try and sort that out and get back down to 10st 7lbs (147 lbs).
(5) I’m going to try the occasional evening activity this year to see if that’s improved any. It’s been a source of frustration that the writing group an hour’s drive away always made me ill yet I can go out to Nikki’s (half an hour away) every week and stay there till really late without too many repercussions. I do certainly feel unwell when driving but I don’t think it can be that because I was able to drive up to Inverness (three hours away) and back in one day recently and that was certainly bearable. There is no manual for Chronic Fatigue though unfortunately.
To this end I have another writing group to try out - it meets in an evening but is local so might be better - it’s a children’s writing group though so will be a different road to go down. I also intend to find out when any of the performers my cousin manages are going to be playing in Aberdeen because she always very kindly offers me complimentary tickets but at the last minute so it’s difficult for me to go (also the whole evening thing) - however if I have an idea when these are I can maybe plan that out a bit better. It’s a good way of trying an evening thing out without it costing me any money :)
And now I’m going to have to make good on the counselling one because in Italian yesterday she went round each of us asking for one resolution, wrote them up, took a photo and is apparently going to check with us that we’re keeping them!
So I have to do it now :)
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes - we were blessed with two births this year.
(1) Nikki had Ruari on the 5th March;
(2) My nephew, Arran, and his wife Melissa, in New York had their second baby - a wee girl, Molly. Look at this Dad's chuffed face!
Arran was the first grandchild of his generation to be born - I can hardly believe the wee scrap I held all those years ago will be 45 this year - way to make me feel old!!
And here is the 4 of them - Arran, Oscar, Melissa and Molly.
Did anyone close to you die?
No thankfully.
What countries did you visit?
I didn’t set foot out of Scotland but I was okay with that.
What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
A return to my counselling voluntary work.
What dates from 2019 will remain etched on your memory and why?
5th March when Ruari was born. I had no idea if I would even make it to the hospital or how long I would last out and not only was I there when Nikki went up, I was able to be there for the whole thing with her, see him being born and stay with her until she was comfortable. It was absolutely magical.
And the 22nd October when the lovely Karl phoned me and ensured I had a reasonable income to live on for the next year and a half. I cried with relief when I came off the phone.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had really debilitating ear pain for a good 2 months of the summer which was awful then had a bad reaction to a filling at the dentist’s in October which went on for a couple of weeks.
I’m excluding the crap that comes with CFS obviously because that’s a given.
What was the best thing you bought?
My new iphone - a red XR. I love it - would totally recommend it -
and one of the great things I discovered it can do is swype typing which has been a boon for me in the mornings when I can’t manage much. This is done by tracing letters across the phone instead of tapping each character so is much less effort and quicker.
Here's an example of it:
I use that time to catch up on Prosebox and if things are bad, it takes me all my time to write comments - it’s helped with that immeasurably.
I also bought this case for it - I spent literally hours searching for just the right one🙄 and finally narrowed it down to two. Eventually plumped for this one then weeks later realised the text was in Italian - it’s like it picked me!!
Also this throw for the bed -
I like to put a cover on the bed because Bailey sleeps on it a lot and I bought this one randomly but it turned out to be the perfect size covering the whole bed and it’s sooooo amazingly cosy on cold nights! (And of course has been given the Sleeping Cat Seal Of Approval :).
Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Nikki’s occasionally. My brother and his wife’s (came over here on the 17th of December for 5 days and are still here! Because of Matt being in hospital, his brother’s birth, Matt having to go back into hospital then unfortunately having to be whisked off to Edinburgh Sick Kids because they found a tumour :( He had an operation on Wednesday and they think they got it all out but won’t know until he gets a biopsy in 2 weeks’ time. Ian and Margaret have just put everything on hold to be there to support them through it all and are currently looking after their house and dogs while they’re in Edinburgh.)
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Nikki’s occasionally (lol) and certain world leaders.
Where did most of your money go?
Paying for events we took the kids to, the phone, car maintenance and Christmas presents.
Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?
Happier. I seem to have a little bit more stamina, some of my more distressing symptoms appear to have reduced drastically and Nikki is managing the three kids really well so isn’t causing me so much stress.
Thinner or fatter?
Definitely fatter! Totally my own doing though.
Richer or poorer?
Richer as I’m finally getting an income I can just about scrape by on.
What do you wish you’d done more of?
Italian homework!
What do you wish you’d done less of?
Had completely sleepless nights :(
Did you fall in love in 2019?
Nope.
What was your favourite TV programme?
Oh that’s a hard one. I loved most of the documentaries I watched but I can’t think of anything that really stood out this year.
Do you hate anybody now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.
What did you want and get?
A new grandson. A new iphone. A bed for Bailey.
What did you want and not get?
My old body back :)
What was the best book you read?
I think possibly Margaret Forster’s Diary Of An Ordinary Woman.
What was your favourite film of this year?
I watched a shedload of films I must admit but none in particular stand out. However my two firm favourites are Brief Encounter and Atonement. I watch Brief Encounter pretty much every year and it never fails to disappoint.
What did you do on your birthday and how old?
I was 61 and Nikki laid on a cream tea for me at her house :)
What would have made 2019 better?
Not having to go through so much stress in order to achieve some sort of income to live on.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
Jeans and jumpers/tops with ankle boots.
What kept you sane?
Prosebox and the kids.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Nobody rocked my boat I’m sorry to say.
Who did you miss?
Mum and Dad occasionally. Willow and Snarf a lot.
Was 2019 a good year for you?
There was a lot of stress and feeling rough but on the whole I was building life back up again so there was a lot of that too.
What was your favourite moment of the year?
Watching Ruari being born. And guessing his birthweight (because I knew that definitely didn’t come from me).
What was your least favourite moment of the year?
All the times I just felt so ill :(
How did you spend Christmas?
I went out to Nikki’s - we opened presents, had a lovely meal, played with the kids, put them to bed, played FRIENDS Monopoly then watched pics and videos of the kids and funny stuff before I toddled off home at 2 a.m.
Did you make any new friends in 2019?
I did catch up with a couple of old friends at Christmas and would like to keep in contact but it’s difficult with the situation I’m in so I’m not beating myself up if it doesn’t happen (except I so will :).
Did you meet anybody from PB in 2019?
Nope.
How many concerts did you see in 2019?
I had the chance to see at least 2 but had to turn them down unfortunately.
Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2019?
I think I had half a can of lager one hot day in the summer but that was literally it. I don’t miss it at all.
How many people did you sleep with in 2019?
Just Bailey :)
What was your proudest moment in 2019?
Nikki giving birth to Ruari - she coped really well this time which was a far cry from Lily’s birth!
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2019?
Nothing’s coming to mind right now.
If you could go back in time and change something that happened during 2019 what would it be?
Nikki’s treatment of Duncan (Ruari’s Dad).
What songs will remind you of 2019?
I’m finding now that I need silence more and more as background noise so the only music I really hear is in the car. However weirdly I‘ve constantly had earworms running in my head since I’ve been ill, usually when someone mentions a tune or song in their diary. So I have a lovely piece of classical music called ‘Lascia Ch’io Pianga’ which I play every so often and which seems to reset things. It’s also the music used at the beginning of the slightly weird film, *Antichrist*, which has the most mesmerising opening sequence to a film I’ve ever seen.
What are your plans for 2020?
To just keep on keeping on - living, laughing, loving and growing :)
Tell us a valuable lesson that you learned this year.
That love really is the answer. I had long suspected it but I was more convinced than ever this year.
There were some questions which stumped me so I took them out. Biggest achievement, biggest failure - those words have come to mean something different now and I can’t quite attach the same significance to them if that makes sense. Also this was long enough as it was!
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