This is my first entry on this site. As a small introduction I am 26 years old and am currently enduring incredible difficulties with my life and with keeping myself together. I have had very little chance to ever share my story in a healthy way and I really needed to get some things off my chest…
I guess I should start from the beginning of things. I was born in Massachusetts in 1993. My mother and father were in a horrible relationship and my mom left before I had even turned a year old. Now the context of her leaving has been a different story from both sides. My dad says she was on drugs and my mom says he was an abusive psychopath. Personally I believe a little of both but I still don’t know. Anyways after my mom left I hadn’t ever heard from her or seen her again until I was 11, more than 10 years later. We can get more into that part in a a bit. Anyways I was left in the care of my father who worked 2-3 jobs at a time to care for us. He provided for me with both love and needs throughout my earliest days and things were good as far as I can remember until I was about 5. My father has always had a tendency to drink but he became a progressively more serve alcoholic. I was sexually abused by a family member around this time as well. Anyways he kept it together enough to keep working until fast forward a few years later he’s working a high position at a very big popular retail chain. He is around less and less and I started to do poorly in school. He had always believed in “spanking” but he would cross the line sometimes using coat hangers, belts, etc. My poor performance in school was because I talked too much in class as a child but honestly I think that’s because I had no mom and my dad was never home and I had no siblings so I was an extremely lonely child. I became obsessed with video games as an escape to ease my loneliness and my father saw that as the reason I was failing in school and took all of my systems away. I progressively did worse and worse in school. my dad starts dating a younger woman about half his age he met at work who moved in quickly. This woman did not like me. They partied and drank alot and fought terribly all through the night often leaving me to hear some of the most awful things I’ve ever heard human being say to eachother on a regular basis. They both become progressively more and more abusive twords me physically and in other ways. I was so depressed and doing so badly in school that at home I wasn’t allowed to have television or video games or friends. For an extended period of time I was only allowed to come out of my room for dinner. They decided to start leaving me with a babysitter who tried to force me into Christianity so they could have more time to party and because their work schedules were hectic and they thought she could “straighten me out” this woman was awful. She was an older woman who was violent and would become irate often over me watching cartoons or playing with certain toys because they weren’t Christian. I was forced through countless church services I wanted no part of. It was around this time i also started to experience ongoing sexual abuse. I begged my dad to not send me back there but he wouldn’t listen until I became so depressed I threatened to run away. He pulled me from her care and got me into a public daycare which I remember being some of the absolute happiest times I had at that point in my life. I got to interact and be amongst other childeren but I came to find how I was treated at home wasn’t the norm and I began to develop an inferiority complex to make sense of why I was treated the way I was. I justified it was because I was bad and deserved it and didn’t deserve to be loved. At age fucking 10 I felt that way. Well fast forward a bit and they finally split up and life is good for a while. I was home alone alot and about 11 and didn’t need a baby sitter Anymore and my dad was single and working all the time and had dropped all the crazy restrictions and punishments he had placed on me. There was a marked improvement in our relationship at this time. Well he starts dating this new woman who quickly moved in and she tried very hard to be nice to me but I was completely in flight or fight mode and rejected her attempts to be a motherly figure to me. She would come to resent me for this for the entire time she was present and would never understand why I acted the way i did. They decide it’s time for me to meet my mother who gets me a plane ticket and flys me up to her beautiful home. Everything is great there I have a half brother and half sister and her husband was very great. I wish I could have been apart of that family forver. We spent a wonderful holiday together and I was sent back after. I told my dad I wanted to live with her and he would not allow it and became violent regularly again. We moved out to the country to his girlfriend’s native area and I became very close with her newphew who lived next door. we were very close and being so isolated in the country he was my only friend. I’m very thankful for him through this time. My dad remarried to this new woman and we moved back to the city in a big house and their relationship begins to deteriorate. they beging arguing and fighting non stop. I’m about 13 now and could finally decide to live with my mom. I did and when I went there I had everything I ever wanted but I became invovled in drugs and kept doing poorly in school to where I just refused to go and i was stealing from my mom and lying and being awful. She sent me back after about 2 years and that was that. I continue smoking weed to help my anxiety and to medicate trauma and my father becomes more and more abusive . I got expelled from highschool for getting caught with weed and my father took everything I had away until moved out and was very physically violent with me until I left at age 17 for good. I spent time on the streets on and off drugs and I went back to my moms and got kicked out again and she hasn’t talked to me since i was 18. My cousin from my stepmom’s family I mentioned earlier ended up accidentally Kling himself by playing with a loaded gun. This messed me up even more. I struggled in and out of homelessness for about 3 years and that’s when i started to get things together a little more. If you could imagine I’ve held onto a great deal of trauma and hurt from alot of these experiences and the extended periods of forced isolation has stunted my development. I will write more soon but I’m drained from putting these thoughts out. If you’ve read this I appreciate you so much. I just want to be understood
Loading comments...