first of all : sorry im french i will talk in both language.
idk why i am like that, why i am sad, feeling lonely while i am surrounded.
i think i can tell this story, i think it’s the begining of all this sh*it (the farest moments of sadness i can remember).
emphasized text Beginning of summer one year ago, sunny days at school made forget about a mixed year, i had a friend Do and she made me meet Lil cassi. Lil Cassi was a wonderful boy full of sadness, injuries and pain (depressed) but he was incredible. Thx to him i discovered a lot of film (music, cinema, books… i was very passionate and passionating). One night he told me about “le mythe de la boîte de Pandore”: According to Hesiod, when Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus, the king of the gods, took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Prometheus’ brother Epimetheus. Pandora opened a jar left in his care containing sickness, death and many other unspecified evils which were then released into the world.
i didn’t pay attention about this story but now i know… he was my pandora’s jar, i openned it then sadness and the ugly truth of this world came out.
This year i began well, i was motivated and full of hope, dreams. Despite the fact that i saw the ugly side of the world, i was still in a little bubble. Then BOOM first sadness phase: i was stressed, unmotivated and so one… Time passed away, i was feeling a lil better, still friend with Lil cassi. Then i met this girl, sweetest girl with her problems too, i hurt this girl.. i hurt her so badly im so a shitty person. i hurt her to get in couple with a guy, wonderful adventure by the way but it’s over now. Why is it over? because i just nedeed a break and he didn’t want to so he put an ultimatum: i decided to leave.. and this gril is happy without me now. I thought i was strong to endure that: i was so wrong.
Now, i am alone overhelmed by stress, pain, sadness, lonelyness, regrets and lack of love despite the fact that i am surrounded. My friends do have problems too, but some of them don’t wanna talk about it or have found someone and they are happy now. Iam feeling so lonely this time. I am unmotivated, stressed, anxiety, paranoia. People blame me to be angry and throw my hatred to them… i am sick, something is eating me inside and idk what it is. Everyday is rough, cold and sad. Everyday i hurt people, i saw this girl, i argue with people, people blame me.
I am feeling hella lonely, several times a week i am alone at house i can’t support it anymore. But now, it doesn’t matter if i am alone at home or not because i will cry anyway (inside or outside). I cry several times a week. And i feel like i don’t have the right to be sad, i feel like i don’t have true reasons to be sad but i have so many little reasons to be stressed and sad.
I just need to sleep. Time goes too fast for me “le destin, c’est la forme accélérée du temps. C’est effroyable”. Life is like a rollercoaster, and at this moment it is going to fast and it is breaking me into pieces.
Friends don’t forget me, i still love u.
Back soon <3
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