Disclaimer: This is a rant, intended just to get it O.U.T. I’m making it public just to put it out there (for some reason it feels better when it’s not private…yet it’s still kinda anonymous). Please skip if you’ve heard all of this before from me. I just gotta.
Found myself REALLY missing him this morning. Just thinking about all of our morning rituals and routines. Even though we weren’t living together at the time of our split, at one time we did, and we spend ALL of our time together on weekends. I tell you, I have never had more fun waking up with someone in my life. I have never had more joy starting my day with someone. We joked and laughed constantly. Never a grumpy morning. Never a harsh word. NEVER.
I miss our super silly jokes. I miss the way we talked to each other. I miss his calming voice. I miss talking about work with him. I miss his snuggles – oh my gosh, the way he wrapped his whole body around mine. God, he was a lover.
WHY OH WHY WAS HE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR???!!! That’s what I don’t understand. I don’t get it…there was NO REASON (from my armchair anyway) for him to fucking LIE like he did to my face! He RUINED our relationship, and yes, yes…he DID work very, very, very hard to win me back. He did. That’s the only reason I took him back and tried to work it out, but I guess I’m quite angry that he fucked up such a good thing, came back from the fuck-up and then I fucked it up after all was said and done.
Perhaps subconsciously I wanted to mess it up? I just remember thinking during one of my obsessive-thoughts sessions that if I could just catch him with his [ahem] pants down again that I’d be out. Done. Gone.
Problem was, while he was telling me all about how transparent he was being, he was actually locking down his passwords and becoming even more secretive about things. Eventually, I had no real way of checking on him. And by the way, it was never my intention to check on him. I never wanted to babysit, spy, pry, etc. That sucks! And why should I have to be in a relationship where I’d feel that need?
Fuck him for putting me in that position. Fuck me for falling into that bullshit trap. Fuck us both for making a dysfunctional relationship.
Still, I miss him tremendously.
Loading comments...