a little more loss in Sometimes I feel dead inside

so one of the nicest guys i've ever met died yesterday. apparently it doesn't pay to be a nice guy in this world. i've watched as the nicest people i know die off. this guy was pretty much nice to everyone, always willing to joke with people even if it meant he was the butt of the joke. its insane to find out he's had cancer, he managed to keep it to himself, except for his family no one had any clue. i don't want to make this about me, cause its not. i remember going to a party at his place, it was way out of the way, it took like an hour and a half to get there. there were 4 of us who rolled out to his place, we had a blast, somehow he convinced everyone to play mario dance party, though he himself could not dance. i remember his lady was a wonderful and sweet girl. she put together the whole party because she thought he could use some cheering up. its one of the better parties i had been to in a while. i didn't know about his cancer, i didn't know that he may have been battling it for a long time. i feel bad because i let the good people go with the bad. i do sincerely regret that. i've also exiled myself from most of those people due to previous loss within the group. it just hurt too much to see them. it brings up happy feelings of times we had hung out and it brings up the sadness and loss of the last few years as well. i know i am going to be seeing some of these people for the first time since the last get together for someone dying. i was a mess then, and some of these people haven't spoken to me since. not in a bad way, just i lost my best friend and i didn't really know how to be consoled at the time, it was literally 2 days after he died. i'm afraid i am going to tie these things together and that's not what i want to do. i'd rather not. its still a sad thing, and i really dislike that i'm only seeing these people who were so important to my life under these situations, and i have no idea how to even begin to change that, or if i want to. we will see when i see them later tonight.