Down by the river in Das Book

There is a river trail that I can get to by walking just ten minutes from my house. I rarely take it though. Maybe I will do it more often because it really is lovely. Today, since it rained yesterday, all the moss that is usually dormant and hidden under the junipers and other shrubs and trees is popping in all its pure emerald glory. It’s nice to see such green in January even though it’s rather unseasonable and a sign of global weirding.

I was feeling quite excited because Cody and I are making enough income now to get off Medicaid. What’s exciting there is that we are actually DOING it, with our private practice, making a “living wage” with only ourselves as bosses and creating our own hours and doing work that we love. It still feels sort of unreal to me. Some part of me never really believed I would be able to sustain a life without working some horrible grind for some horrible boss/company and now that we are actually seeing a chance for that to be reality I’m finding I feel a little bit giddy/unsettled/delirious about it all.

Of course the very UNfortunate part of it all is that we no longer qualify for Medicaid!!! I knew we had it really good, but I didn’t know the specifics of how good until now. I could really rant about how broken the US is as far as healthcare and all that, especially after experiencing such great care in Japan and New Zealand, but let’s just leave it at… it is absurd that I find myself wishing my family were still in poverty so we could have excellent healthcare.

Felix is a delight. He is sitting up for minutes at a time these days and that has him much more entertained. I can set him down and cook or do dishes a lot more often now and he enjoys himself just looking around or playing with toys.

I haven’t made any mom friends. I have tried to put myself out there some, but what keeps happening which is really terrible and definitely my own defenses kicking in, is I will spend some kind of time with new people and find myself a) thinking judgmental thoughts about them the whole time and b) masking my own authentic self, humor, thoughts, etc. because I don’t want to scare them off.

Honestly I just need to get the hell over myself if I ever want to feel less lonely. Right now it seems all I ever see is my baby, my job, and my husband and it is starting to feel very isolating.