I Don't Give a Crap Anymore in Daily, Weekly, etc

Well it seems my first attempt at making corned beef and cabbage was a bust. I put it in the slow cooker for about 8 hours just like the reprice said, but it seems I may have over cooked it. However it is still pink on the inside and brown on the outside, so maybe I didn't. Come to think about I don't even know why I try to make it in the first place, its just going to go to waste because I have no appetite what so ever. But then again I will probably just freeze it and save it for a different day when there is no food in the house.

I have been in the deep end of depression the past few weeks; my moods seem to shift in the matter of mins. For a moment I'm talkative and all smiles and what-not, only to shift to a down ward slope to silence and grief. I find that the shift happens when I'm either around others or by myself. While I'm around others I feel as if I don't add up to them, ever one around me seems to be going somewhere with their lives and I'm in the same spot idling as always; and while by myself I have too much time to think.

The other night I found myself out for dinner with my husband, father and mother in-law, as well as my bother in-law and his girl-friend. The shift happen very suddenly; looking around at them and listening I realized that I'm no were never where anyone of them are. Taking a step back, my husband is well established in the Military, my father is a engineer of 20 years, and within the next semester my brother in-law will began his career as a engineer. My Mother in-law is a retired teacher of 25 years with a maters degree, and my brother in-laws girl is well established social worker, and as in the next semester will be graduating with her bachelors and will soon begin her career as a psychologist.

As for me.... little old me I have nothing to show for anything. I mean I can't and shouldn't campier myself to my father and mother in-laws because that have had many years to establish were they are in their lives. However with my husband, and his brother and his girl friend. We all are around the same age yes so it kinda discouraging to how much they have accomplished in such little time.

Yes I spent the last year studying to become a pharmacy tech but I have yet to find a job. Its almost been 4 months since finishing the program and have nothing to show for it. I'm starting to think that maybe it was all a big mistake, and that maybe I'm not cut out to be a pharmacy tech. Besides if and when I get a job will I be able to do it? I know I will have to start in retail but its so fast pace which leaves too much room for errors.

I mean I can and rather work in a fast pace environment, because it keeps your mind going and makes the time go by faster. However this isn't a cafeteria or a retirement home were I use to work, where little errors can be made and easily fixed. I have stepped in a field where accuracy is the key and most important goal, and while in a fast pace environment there is little time to double check. I'm very paranoid so I always double check everything I do because I don't want to give someone a reason to doubt me. However while doing my internship at Walgreen's, I realized there is no time for that. O_O

I almost came face to face with the lead tech from the inter site last night at Publix, he was the one I worked with the most during my internship. I gasped as I looked up and noticed he was there in the same ale just a few feet away. He was with his fiance and his kids, however, thank God he was he was too involved with his phone to see me race by. I didn't want to talk to him, because I know he would want to hear about my progress so far, which hasn't been any. Yes I would have lied my ass off making him believe that I was establishing myself well as a new tech, but I would have had to walk away knowing that I was full of shit.

I have to take a skills test for Walgreen's tomorrow, which actually I was supposed to take sometime this weekend but just couldn't find the motivation to go and take it. I already know I'm going to fail it, so its like what is the fucking point? My will power and motivation has been tossed out the window. I don't even feel like cleaning the house anymore, I mean what is the point its just going to become a big mess again. There is a basket of clean clothes that should have been folded a long time ago but I just don't care......I don't care, plan and simple. I spend my time just sitting and staring out the window, alone as always day in and day out. My husband is gone underway again, and its a possibility that instead of heading back in they may just go ahead on with the deployment. Which would mean he won't be returning home until the end of the year. But its whatever like always I'm use to be being by myself, plus we made it through the last deployment well, so this one should be a piece of cake.

I'm planning on starting up with school again in the fall, I was hoping I would take some summer courses but I won't be able to sign up for Financial aid until the fall so it seems I have to wait. I kinda have this crazy idea of going back in and learning another trade, but I just need to take a deep breath and wait and see where I can go with what i have so far.