A week's gone by since my breakup. I am now vacillating between sorrow, malaise, and relief (though relief is way down there at the bottom). I had a whole bunch of things running through my brain last night and now that it's Sunday morning, I can't think of the words to get them out.
I'm sitting in a coffee shop waiting for my friend Cindy to join me for brunch at a bistro close by. I have an hour so I hope I can get something out that will make me feel a little bit better...or at least let off some of this yuck.
I'm lucky that I've been able to somewhat fall back on friends I've let fall by the wayside these last couple of years. I suck as a friend and I'm super lucky that I have some wonderful friends who can pick up right where we left off.
It occurs to me that I've spent an unusual amount of time in a state of heartbreak over the last 10 years. Why is this? What am I doing to keep this happening over and over again? I realize that SexyPants was the one with the problem, as was Bryan (forgot his OD name), as was David (LDL), but obviously I have done thing to bring these characters into my life.
I just spent more than a few minutes skimming over some old OD entries. I'm so happy that I was able to save them before "The End" (of OD). I think I have a bit of a clue. What do these three guys have in common?
1) Aggressive personalities - especially David and Bryan. Those two pushed themselves into my life in such a way that we were living together within months. SexyPants was similar in that he pushed our relationship into "serious" stage pretty quickly as well, but I thought I was getting smarter because I moved into HIS place. He was better in that he was willing and even wanted to talk through issues. Problem with that was that he was LYING through is teeth most of the time.
2) Insecure - each in their own ways, but each had insecurities that they seemed to work hard to overcome/mask through their aggressiveness.
3) Risk takers - in that they didn't spend a lot of time thinking about consequences to their actions. Guess they didn't care. They were all about what they could get out of it and made bold, bold moves. For SexyPants, he parlays those risks into HUGE successes in business as well as the progress he made with his son (some of this is questionable, but whatever), and I'm sure that's how many people get ahead in life...as well as in trouble (The Wolf of Wall Street comes to mind). Hm. For Bryan and David, their risks were mainly to make gigantic life shifts without thinking about how they are going to work through the necessary adjustments. It looks something like survival mode and it doesn't matter how or who will get them through, just as long as they get through.
4) Finger Pointers - OMG, the stories of how they were abused by their ex-wives. It really brought out the care taker in me. SexyPants was absolutely the most confusing because he took care of me so wonderfully: the gifts, the breakfasts in bed, the ultimate spoiling. But back to the finger pointing: they way he described his ex-wife was that she was the devil. But I bet (no, I know) that he treated her like a queen as well. Makes him look like the GOOD GUY and everyone else is the asshole. Bryan went so far as to tell me that his ex-wife beat him up and broke his nose! But remember that time he pushed me down the concrete hallway and bloodied my arms and hands? David was continually abused by his beautiful ex-wife via her cheating and that was his excuse for fucking all of his co-workers. The women were SO wrong, so they had good excuses for what they were doing.
So. What do I do with these revelations of similarities? How can I learn from this and move on? How can I make better decisions regarding getting into a relationship and what do I do once I'm there again?
I do want a life partner, I really do. But I'm also 46 years old and I understand that THIS is life. I've read all of the inspirational quotes about how I have to love myself before I can truly love somebody else. I get it. And I really, really like myself, I really do! Perhaps better than I ever have.
What I can say about SexyPants is that I loved him passionately. I shared deep, dark secrets and pure, pure joy with SP. I laughed more with him than with any other person in the world. It just SUCKS that he had this weird, secret side - this need for something that he only got from sneaking around. And he may have even fixed that thing! It may be completely out of his system. But how would I ever, ever know?
It's all going to be okay. I'm not achingly, disastrously, overwhelmingly sad, that's for sure. I'm just really bummed about this loss.
Time for brunch. I love you. GS
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