Another rumble in Everyday life

Well, here we are again January 5. I don’t really know how good I’m going to be at this journaling stuff.

My boyfriend and I had a long discussion about me not really wanting to live with him anymore. I’m torn. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like he is so amazing most of the time. But man, when he is mean he is really, really mean. He takes words and twists them around and makes them sound totally different than they were and he takes vulnerabilities that I tell him or share with him and turns them around to hold it against me or throw in my face. He gets very angry and almost yells the majority of the time and he points his finger in his chest really hard and stands up and throws his arms around. Sometimes, he actually stands in front of me so I can’t get around him and blocks me from exiting the room or exiting whatever space I’m in. It scares me.

Now he’s a million miles away… about like me. I’m totally guilty. I have distanced myself to a point that I often wonder who I am anymore. Because of my previous marital trauma and my childhood trauma, distancing and pulling away is the only thing I know how to do to protect myself. I don’t know how to find that loving communicative person inside of me again. I find myself so afraid to talk to him anymore because I’m afraid of those vulnerabilities being thrown back at me.

I also feel like I have to answer to him for everything I do. Somedays, I just want to be my own person. Not have anyone to answer to. He gets offended at that and takes it personal.

All I know is, I’m so tired.