Disappointment. in Void

I was doing okay. Financially.

I can’t work with people anymore.
I don’t know how I got triggered so bad.
I tried not letting certain things bother me, knowing I’ll always have those moments when I’ll feel ashamed, fooled, disrespected, misunderstood, underestimated, etc. When it continues to happen and I can’t avoid the situation I want to be defensive, which most likely wouldn’t help the situation, or hold back on possibly embarrassing myself. Then, I would find myself going through so many ideas on how I should handle the situation.

At the time, I don’t realize I’ve already gotten into a mental episode.

The last one, I knew I just entered an episode that was building up tension so fast, doing my best to convince myself not to let it get worse. Here I am, again, already, disconnected. Except this time I’m unable to support myself. There’s a small amount of sense that I was born with separating itself from me, standing along all the things that damaged me.

Part of myself now realizes how corrupted, dysfunctional I really am.
I see it now. I’m so fucked up, I can’t even help myself anymore.
I don’t want to even help myself anymore.
There’s no point. I always fail.

I don’t even understand myself now.
Everything I say are just words with no meaning or point.

Last updated December 29, 2019