28DEC2019 PUTTING MYSELF IN CHECK in Sergeant's Log
- Dec. 28, 2019, 9:38 a.m.
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(1) My eating habits are getting out of control. I eat whatever I want and I am over eat those things. I need to put myself back onto a diet. I feel so uncomfortable and gaining bad weight.
(2) Going to the gym today and listening to music. I need to make this a 5 day a week thing. One hour. I use to love going. I need to relearn how to love going to the gym.
(3) I have a date tonight with a very attractive woman. She is a bit crazy, but I love it. I am thinking about canceling… something internally doesn’t feel right about going on this date. It feels like I will be wasting time. She likes me, but I know she isn’t that into me… not being negative, just realistic. She is also looking for something casual. I want a relationship… casual sex is not something I care for much unless I have been drinking.
(5) Speaking of relationships every couple that I am friends with are fucking miserable. Not that I use their examples and tell myself welp that’s the only result that comes from a relationship. I do not feel like I have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like, but I know it isn’t what I see around me. Everyone at work bitches about their wives. My roommate and her boyfriend are clearly bad for one another. My best friend hates his girlfriend and the way she treats him (I also do not agree how he treats her to be honest).
(6) In general, I need a different environment and expose myself to different things. This city is kinda fucking lame and I am not a good fit.
(7) All of that was pretty negative, which brings me to the realization that I need to focus on positive things, plan events, look forward to those events, have some more discipline in my schedule, and become more outgoing again.
I realized that I have depression… and I have had depression for so long that this is my new baseline. When I do feel moments of happiness, they are brief.. and I feel manic when I do and there is usually a horrible plunge back down to this sad baseline. It makes me avoid being too happy! What kind of shit is that.
I have accepted misery for years. I do believe that at a certain level it is a choice.. Just by avoiding happiness, or things that will make you become vulnerable, is us making that choice to be miserable (typically the things that will make you the happiest are the things that make you the most vulnerable). All I can do is grab a shovel and dig my way out I suppose. Make some promises to myself and nonnegotiable standards. I will think about those things at the gym.
(8) Just popped in my head… A fucking married woman reached out to me at 2:30 AM the other night… can you fucking not please… It is sad to see that kind of thing. Just divorce him so you aren’t wasting his TIME. So disrespectful.
(9) Music Recommendation: New Found Glory: Lovefool (cover)
(10) I need to write a legit entry under “Ignatowski”… Which is dedicated to proper entries, stories, and a line of thought. These ones under Sergeant’s Log is just to help me record the smaller thoughts and to help me get in the pattern of writing. I have to admit.. it has been helping me. I look forward to it.
Last updated December 28, 2019
TL ⋅ December 28, 2019
It does sound like you are ready to grow. I think creating an inspiring environment for yourself is a good idea. I'm glad to see that you have the metacognition to recognize that you're miserable. We really can just decide to be happy, just got to stop telling ourselves that we need this and that to be happy. Sounds like you're ready for huge change. Good luck!