My hangup in Stuff

I’ve come here repeatedly over the last several weeks wanting to write some kind of update but then leaving after staring at a blank page for a while. I miss the days of writing in here every few days but it’s instead now it’s become normal to go months without writing. Also, I wish I could find a way to make this feel more like a journal, which is what I was going for when I started. For some reason when I write here I feel like I’m writing for an audience. There’s the obvious explanation that this is because people can actually read what I’m writing, but I still think I ought to be able to change my mentality of how I approach these entries.

For example, I think to myself that I should come here and write an update about everything going on in my life. But who am I updating? I know people have left me some nice notes and I appreciate that, but I’m also confident that no one who has read anything I’ve written here is eagerly awaiting any kind of update or wondering what’s going on in my life. I need to stop thinking that I’m here to write a narrative of my life and instead focus on my thoughts.

My oldest daughter is planning her wedding and I think I should be elated but I’m not. I’m not upset about it, I don’t mean to say that. I’m just not particularly happy about it either. I’ve never been married myself and maybe the fact that I’ve resisted that institution during my life shows that I have some hatred for marriage in general, but I don’t think I do.

I know Olsen and Megan love each other. It has taken me a long time to be able to accept that. Not the lesbian part of it, which I think should be obvious considering my own relationship with a woman, but the fact that their relationship materialized out of nowhere. The fact that Olsen seemed incapable of being with just one person for more than a month or so. The fact that Megan is 10 years older and eccentric and has a sexual history that would make one think marriage isn’t her style. But then also the fact that Megan has been married before and it didn’t work out.

Yet all the evidence I see with them makes me think they will be extremely happy together. Actually, the problem in my mind is that I think they already are extremely happy together. So why make it a legally binding thing? This has always been my hangup with marriage and the reason I’ve never been eager to do it myself.

And then there’s this: Megan told Kayla she should propose to me during their wedding. I know Megan well enough to be able to guess her thought-process. She thinks it would be special if the couple that she matched up gets engaged at her wedding. I get that, I guess. But on the other hand it kind of pissed me off to hear that she said that. Kayla and I are doing great. I’m really happy in my relationship with her right now. But she and I have never even discussed marriage and the idea that it’s going to be brought up FIRST by Megan seems like her typical meddling.

I don’t know what role I might play in their wedding. Megan made some off-comment to me about being her maid of honor, which wouldn’t be that hard to imagine considering I’m her closest friend. But it would be weird to be Megan’s MOH in my daughter’s wedding. I guess none of this is up to me anyway.

Switching topics a little, my firm’s holiday party is tonight and obviously Kayla will be there with me. I’m 100% out of the closet in the sense that I don’t hide the fact that I’m in a relationship with a woman, but I’m also not broadcasting it to everyone I meet either. I think a lot of people will be finding out about it tonight for the first time and I’m not eager to deal with the reactions. Even knowing that they will be positive. I don’t think anyone would say anything homophobic. There’s just a common reaction of surprise that I’m tired of hearing.