Well you made it! We are here, and in this entry I’ll start by telling you my first real life situation. I’ll also discuss how I handled it, and how it has effected me today. Beware all this entry are not positive and some may be graphic. However, the whole entire reason for me typing these out is to help someone. Maybe even just giving someone a person to talk to. Most importantly to get advice from all of you. Some of these situations I haven’t even began to figure them out or deal with them in the right ways. So let’s get started.
Growing up me and my mom never had a good relationship, and every other weekend I was going to my fathers house. Some of those weekends he wouldn’t even come get me or just forget about me. Sometimes he even blamed work. I was a daddy’s girl even though I hardly ever saw him. On the weekends he would get me whenever he brought me home I would cry. My mom, of course, being a young single mother put him on child support. Now my mom has been married a total of two times, and almost married a third. My dad was the first. They were always on and off after divorce. But who would have thought that me going to my dads would scar me for the rest of my life.
One weekend I was at my dads and he was married to this lady (Martha is her name in this situation). This lady was INSANE! She is the mother to JH and Chris. This was before JH was born and Chris was around my age. I was about 3 years old. Now my dad cheated on my mom with this Martha lady, you can see that because me and Chris are only 18 months apart. Anyway my dad worked in a factory and he worked 12 hour shifts. So on the weekends when I was over and he got called in to work I had to stay there with Martha.
Martha was so jealous of me, and part of that is my dads fault. Every time she would get me dressed my dad would say “her mom wouldn’t let her wear that” or “her mom wouldn’t dress her that way”. Even her doing my hair he would say “her mom doesn’t do her hair like that”. Martha was hurt, but she took it out on me. As time went on whenever he would leave. I would clean my brothers room, clean his dirty diapers (keep in mind I was 3-4 years old), I got beat with the hair brush up beside my head, and even had glass broken over my head. The worst and scariest part for me was she would lock me in dark rooms and closets, and I was to short to reach the door handle or light switch. So I stayed there for 12 hours no food or no fluids, and no way to a bathroom until my dad got home. My mom and dad fought all the time about this, but nothing ever was done.
Then one night I was staying at my dads, and I woke up with a nightmare. At a early age I had nightmares about this Martha. So I woke up as any kid would and went to his room crying. I woke him up, and he held me. Well Martha was FURIOUS! She got in my faced, and screamed as if she was dying! My dad slapped her while holding me, and of course I cried harder. The fight escalated and went to the living room where Martha called her mom and dad. They came over. Her dad and my dad fought I watched them pull guns out on each other and knives. I was on the couch watching everything and Martha jumped on the couch and sent me flying in the air. I ended up hitting my head on the ceiling, but no stitches were needed. I watched this for what seemed like hours! Finally everyone left except me and dad. He sat beside me and said “your mom is never going to let me see you again.” After that my mom wouldn’t let me go over there, but he could come over and see me and spend the night if he wanted.
Lastly after that night my mom was pregnant with DC. My dad had gotten back together with Martha (like a freaking idiot). She saw me and my mom coming out of Walmart and she tried to kill me and my mom by running over us with her car. My dad jerked the wheel and saved our lives that night. My mom got a restraining order, and then I was really paralyzed with fear. I didn’t see my dad again for months after that.
Point is in this life situation entry. I never healed from this mentally. I have severe anxiety. If I see or if I have to fight with someone I panic. I can’t breathe I just cry… I wouldn’t know how to tell anyone to deal with this situation. To be honest I haven’t figured it out myself. Every once in a blue moon I still have nightmares, but believe it or not it has gotten better. It’s just my anxiety now days. Me not seeing my dad growing up took a toll on me I loved him and hated not seeing him. I’ve started hurting at a young age, and now I’m 22 and still hurt. What do I do with the hurt? But you guys don’t know the half of it so stay tuned for the next life situation.
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