Far Away From You in All Out of Balance

These are my scattered thoughts, my open letter to you about what I’m struggling with.

-I feel disconnected from you and it’s hard to be with you when I feel like this.
-I feel selfish bringing this up when I know you’re trying to get a new job/stressed about the current job/stressed about the hunting process/studying
-It’s hard for me to be with you when you don’t love me. Why stay with me?
[This is me being emotional. You’ve never said you love me, but how could you stay with me for 10 months and not]
-The way you talk about your ex girlfriend makes me feel like I’ll never measure up
-I’m afraid to lose you, I’ve said some of this before but it never comes out the way I want it to
-I’m worried that our relationship is forced
-Foreplay never happens without me asking
-The one time you went down on me I was so self conscious that I tasted wrong or smelled off or you don’t enjoy being with me like that, that I’ve been embarrassed to bring it up since
-I want to travel, go on vacations, spend romantic weekends
-I let my mind wander and wonder if you’d want to live with me one day soon
-It used to make me feel good to think about you like this, now i iust get angry bc I feel stupid for thinking this way.
-I used to get excited when you text me throughout the day
- You disconnected from me after she ended things with you. We were never repaired. I’m left with the feeling that we’re not enough for you
- I was angry with her bc you didn’t deserve to be treated this way. But I didn’t realize I was angry with you too for pushing me away
-You never even told or tell me what you want or need
- It’s a problem that you don’t know what you want and what you want with me
- I don’t feel loved and it’s worse when I feel emotionally disconnected
- I’m trying to be understanding when you’re gone, but emotional distance is taking a toll on me

If you want to keep me there are things I need to know. I need to know that I’m not making it up that we have something good between us, something real. I need to feel that our relationship isn’t forced. I need an emotional connection with you that gives me confidence in our relationship and makes it so I smile when I think of you and you’re not around.

Last updated December 01, 2019