mercury retrograde ends in like two days in Songs

A little update for me being sick:
I am sick! I’ve been sick for a week and then Saturday really fucked up a recovery by going out and getting very drunk and smoking the cigarettes. What Shit. I need to learn how to drink without smoking, drink without accosting Jess.
Jess, who, by the way, at the beginning of me being sick had to come over to fight. She had been feeling some type of way because I haven’t been texting or seeing her as much. I guess that’s valid in that I didn’t give her more of a heads up that I was trying to make more space for myself. She came thru amped up, like everything was going wrong in her life and my absence was proof that the walls were coming down and it’d just be her and the abyss. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing, but I GUESS some people don’t like it.

Within the past month or so I made a conscious effort to stop fantasizing, and having conversations with people in my head. For some reason I’m scared of the optimism of them and of how ego-driven it all seems to be.
I don’t know.
I wonder what that was all about. The fantasies and my big, super-ego stick. It’s hard to tell how we come off to other people, how important is that? I feel like it can be VERY important.
Especially since I’ve been meeting new people all the time, trying to work my ass off to do crew work. Trying for any gig I think I can get… turns out I can get more gigs than I thought I’d be able to.
Being sick with all this gigging has been SUCKING. I’ve just got my training wheels on, I need to RIDE this CAREER SHIFT WHILE I HAVE MOMENTUM. But yeah, wow, talk about painful. It’s part of the other reason why I have lost my voice and this sickness has lasted over a week. Been working new, dusty theaters, first impressions, my new sexy voice, getting over a fear of heights ASSAP. Judging others, wondering who I should make alliances with, where it’s my position to step in and help out. I think I’m getting better? This one person at the light hang I went to this past weekend seemed pretty confident and knowledgeable but either HAPPENED to work on all the shittiest lamps or was fucking up the job herself, and audibly deprecated the lamp and herself often. I’m just like, NO, don’t do that!!! The deprecating everything as your struggling. I was probably just as successful as she was, and often for embarrassing dumb things but don’t curse the whole way there. Lol, maybe she manifests with cursing, who knows.

Been being a believer in astrology a bit. It helps to have some totally external thing be like, “Don’t start anything or make any giant decisions or bind yourself to something for these weeks.” Sure, why not. Give myself some space.

I told Angie I wanted to take a bath at her place so I’m going to go do that now.