blue light in tales of everyday madness

I have taken to working on the top floor of the library as the sun goes down.
I feel that everything is closer, nearer to the surface, up here. I watch the sky move from aquamarine to navy to indigo to darkest bluegreen, and now, it is simply, black. The sky gets so dark these days. The nights are huge, encroaching on my everything. I like to watch the sky settle from up here.
It’s quiet on the top floor. Everyone is working towards something. I get terrified when I am walking through the library - it is a relief to be somewhere quiet. I feel as though we are locked away, up here, separated from everything else.
Sometimes, up here, I wildly dissociate - my eyes unfocus and I feel myself as this room, as the glass windows, as the air that they contain. I sink in to the space, boundaries dissolve. Sometimes, up here, I heave through intense emotions - brought about by reading a passage that somehow reminds me - there is so much to be reminded of.
I was thinking, this evening, that the study of psychology is always biased towards the experiences of the self - and that while I haven’t considered my interests to be in line with research into my personal self, I have always been aware, been wary, of those roads. I feel that understanding escapes so many people that maybe that tide has carried me - that I feel myself inherently unknowable, even to me. That it’s not worth pursuing interrogations into my own mind - that it’s an alien world, light years away from the human minds I concern myself with.
I feel that I have always been hugely bright and sharp. I know that I am afraid, a lot of the time. I pride myself in conquering those fears every day, these days, all the time. To be a juggernaut, to be vibrant and bright and continuous in the face of it all, no matter what.
I feel hat I am proud of myself, whoever I am. I feel that I will miss this room dearly when I am gone, because inevitably, I will be far away from here before I know it. I wish to relish the evenings that I spend here, staring at the darkening sky and feeling everything, all at once.
I don’t with to be unknowable, truly, I don’t.