it's cold today in tales of everyday madness

I’m wearing my hospital bracelet until I am better, it’s symbolic. I have been feeling my fires shrinking from the cold, the ice of it all. Today, I feel as a ghost in my life, a quiet spirit left to attend to what the flames left behind. I have been thinking and feeling a lot in cycles - I feel the autumn so hard, the death and the sinking back into the earth, the remembrance of past stories and honouring of lives left behind. I know that I must feel this, take what comfort I can in melancholy, rest my physical body while it heals. I saw my wounds as the sum of it all, this morning - I remember when I adopted the pigeon yoga position for the first time in a Thailand jungle I couldn’t get up afterwards, I was weeping. My teacher and I were alone (air heavy and wet, floor is wooden, grooved) and she told me that sometimes moving your body in certain ways can facilitate the release of emotions. My studies lead me to believe that she was right, and, well, I think it might be something like that. My pain has been intermittent for years now - all the fears, doubts, insecurities that I felt so clearly for so long, psychosomatically intertwined with this endless core pain. Now I have been opened up, changed, put back together again - it’s so easy for me to feel this as a physical representation of what was/is necessary to truly heal. And I want to heal, so, so very badly. My heart is too heavy to ride the winds today - my dreams await my pursuit, hanging in the sky. I can’t even look at my emails without feeling afraid. I am turned inwards, and what will I see? I am turned inwards, away from the cold, I am encircling my embers, I must rest my wings.