I’m tired. I’m tired of worrying, of being the stable one, of caring, of trying to watch every move he makes so that he doesn’t relapse. I’m tired of loving him. I’m tired of being in love with him. Sometimes, when he’s late coming home, I secretly hope that something has happened to him so that the worry will finally end. So that I can breathe again. So that the weight is off of my shoulders. I remember genuinely wishing that once, before. Praying so hard that he was gone. I didn’t pray that he was dead. I remember using the word “gone”. “Just let him be gone forever,” I prayed so hard into the back patio glass.
How is it possible to love someone so much and resent them so much at the same time? He says he doesn’t want to fight. Yet he breaks my trust all the time. I think he genuinely believes it’s my fault. He has no ability to see the other side of things. That’s learned, I know it. He thinks that little things aren’t big things to me, and that’s where he’s wrong.
I live in a glass house. It is picture perfect on the outside. Smiling family photos. Outings together. Happy laughing faces. Embraces and hand holding and “Aren’t-we-so-lucky”s. And sometimes we are that family. Sometimes we are picture perfect, and I’m in heaven.
But really, most of the time, we are just trying to keep it together. To get through one day at a time.
The last little while, I have slipped a few times, let my anger get the best of me, and told him that he is the cause of so many peoples’ problems. The centre of a hurricane. Total path of destruction, with him at the helm.
He is like a little boy. It’s like he never grew up. When I get angry, he deflects, throws a tantrum, “But I did all of this good stuff, so why does this one bad thing count?”, tries to hug me, tries to pull me to him. He doesn’t understand when I don’t immediately forgive him.
Is that what happened when he was a boy? Automatic forgiveness? You’re a good boy, Bobby. Don’t worry. It’s OK. Let’s forget it happened. Let’s not talk about it. Let’s bury it. That’s a good boy. Now it’s gone. Clean slate.
Is that why he’s so fucked up today?
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