NJM4: Status in These Foolish Things

Ok, so the status is WAIT.

PCP called to tell me to keep it status quo (as opposed to quid pro quo) - as in, don’t take my blood thinning meds (Plavix & Aspirin) until further notice. He said he’d gotten some of the tests in, but not all, so because…

…OK, TMI alert!!! Stop reading now if you’re not OK with bodily functions....

(I WARNED YOU)…because I’d had a major bloody stool this morning…

he is worried about my situation, so keep away from all blood thinning substances.

Hopefully I’m not going to die from this. And in fact, I know I’m not going to die from this because I KNOW that this is not how it ends for me…

Anyway. I’m exhausted. I spent a long time talking with my mom about this tonight. She had Rheumatic Fever as a child and she told me about some of her childhood memories tonight based on what we’d talked about regarding similar blood tests we took. What I mean is, I’m reading results of some of the same types of tests she had to take as a child with her life-threatening illness.

It made me think about my mother as a child, which is weird because how many people spend much time thinking about their parent when they were kids? I personally haven’t done a whole lot of it. So just thinking about my (sometimes bitch of a) mom as a vulnerable and scared child going through a mind-blowingly frightening situation made me see her in a whole new light. And maybe a little bit of an indicator about why she is the way she is.

The bottom line is, she probably should have died as a child - simply based on the world of medicine back in her day. But the fact of the matter is, she didn’t. And she persevered. And lived to be the woman that she is. She survived! That is a HUGE success story in and of itself. And yet, she is as imperfect a person as I’ve ever met.

And we disagree and we fight sometimes and we are sometimes SO fundamentally different. And yet - there was a tiny child at one time, scared and fighting for her life…tiny and vulnerable and fragile. It’s so wild to think about that crazy juxtaposition.

Bottom line is, I love my mom through all of the imperfections and the fundamental things we disagree about. I love her as that tiny child and I love her as the young woman who gave birth to me and I love her as the (still) nurturing mother that she will always be to me - until the bitter end.

Wow. That was a tangent.

But it was nice to write that out.

Now I gotta go to sleep and dream nice dreams and wake up tomorrow on the other side of this scare.

I WILL see you tomorrow,
GS