Ramblethinking in Journal of life stuff

Ok. I need to think, and in order to think, I need to write. Also, I’m cold, so walking while I type all this out will help me warm up. “Turn up the heat?” Part of why I keep it cold is so that I do walk instead of stay comfortable and warm.

Fundamental problem / issue: A friend sent me contact info for a job that I think I would be good at and enjoy, but it means I have to keep living near Boston, and I want to move out of this fucking place.

So where do I begin? Well, let’s look at why we want to leave.

I never wanted to live in New England, or any other big city, to begin with. I love the suburbs, I love the low population density, I love the quiet. I love being able to get in my car and drive somewhere without much traffic. I would say that I love a place where people have to be each other’s culture, but the truth is that I romanticize that more than I actually love it.

What is the thing I really want? I want to not be single anymore. That’s the thing I really want. I want a person. In many ways, a dog would be 90% of what I needed. But I don’t want a dog. I don’t want to love something where I have to pick up its shit. “Never have kids!” The thought crossed my mind, but a pre-requisite of kids is either adoption, where you can get one older than shitting-self age, or a wife, where you have someone you like enough to deal with the things you don’t. Where I am right now is in a chasm that I don’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with a lot of stuff I don’t like in order to get something I do.

But it’s not a girlfriend that I really want. That would be nice, but really, what I want is friends. Friends like I had during college. Friends I can rely on, friends I see regularly, friends who care about me enough to talk to me outside of activity time. A girlfriend can be all those things, but any friends are actually useful. I need a tribe, I need a people. That’s what I really need.

And that’s the crux of why I want to leave Boston. Every single reasonable person I’ve met here hasn’t been from Boston. They’ve been from the midwest, another country, or some other part of the country that isn’t a major city. And that’s why I want to leave. Because I know this city, like all big cities, is a cancer. Traffic issues and congestion are God’s limiting factor to how fast and large a cancer can spread. I’m curious what Houston would be like. If Boston is the liberal/progressive dystopian nightmare, is Houston the conservative dystopian nightmare? I wouldn’t be surprised to be honest.

I do think I need to move into a city. Not the suburbs, but the actual heart of a city, when I move next. Why? Because that’s where the single women are. That’s where the culture is. If I move to the suburbs, I’m not going to find many single people or places to meet them. I’m going to be stuck with the same small group of people.

In reality, I’m trying to solve a quality problem with quantity.

I also need to fix myself. My back hurts. Fuck my back hurts. I almost want a job just so that I can get health insurance, go to a doctor for the first time in 10 years, and have him tell me if I actually did injure my back a year ago and what I can do about it. Or is the problem really that I have to find a way to lose 20 lbs, get back under 180lbs, and then my back will stop hurting? I remember that being what it took last time.

I have managed to stop gaining weight. I’ve been around 205lbs for 2 months now. Given that I was gaining 1lb a month for the past 2 years, that’s major progress. I bounced off 210 and have settled in around 205. With winter coming I am hoping to make progress with losing. The shitty thing is I can’t be social and lose weight. I have to be anti-social. If I go do Habitat, I want ice cream, or some sort of snack, afterwards. So then I get home, eat said snack, and am so exhausted I fall asleep from around 6pm to 8pm. Right after eating. So I’m hungry again around 10pm, when I should be going to sleep, but now I’m not tired because of my nap.

Habitat throws off my sleep schedule, my eating schedule, everything. Damnit! There has to be a way to win. There has to be. But I can’t see it. Well, that’s sort of a lie. I can see the way to win, but I don’t see all the pieces. For now, I am happy that I am not gaining weight. At least I got my life stress to a point where I have leveled off. Thank God.

And …ya know, the job my friend told me about involves travel. Am I really going to stick to a diet when I have to eat out for every meal? Hellz-to-the-no. Yea. I need to pass on that job hardcore. I might love it, but I don’t have the self control for that job to make my life better. No. I need to keep going my own way. I need to listen to me, not other people…God I hope I don’t crash and burn for all this believing in myself. But in the end, I have to admit, I spent so much of my life being wrong purely because I didn’t listen to myself. Time to make a change, and try something new.