if the cloudbursts thunder in your ear in Ma-jick Mo-ments (November 2019)

Nano. Day 3, technically, although I haven’t slept yet and therefore, I am not making word count. I am very slightly ahead of the curve and that is fine. I planned a grand parasail into the novel, but I’m not there. I’m guessing it’s because I am here, instead. Not on prosebox, although I do surf through every so often, I mean, at home. I really don’t like it here. It’s damn cold, for one thing.

Finished short story the second for my class today. That’s a load off.

I need to write a book review by Tuesday. I need to review two more short stories by Thursday. I need to work on chronology for the Forensic Mit case timeline. I need to line up an “expert witness.” I need to learn to tell por and para apart. I need to do a lot of shit. And of course, the house has utterly imploded, and it looks like it’s basically dress rehearsal for Hell in here. Cold Hell, though. No fire. I mean, I could go make one, but the warmth would be wasted, as everyone is in bed.

And I need to shower. I am procrastinating that shower. But I can go to bed right after.

C’mon, old girl. Get naked and stand in some water. You’ll feel better.

Parts of you are probably crusty. C’mon.

Yeah, sweet talk ain’t working.

Huh. I’ve got little on my mind besides getting into the Nano groove, those tests, and Little Basics. That’s kind of nice. No big freaky worries. I mean, I probably will have those in a minute, but right now, mind’s gently empty. Aaah here’s the worry. I’m almost done with paying for my car, so I worry I’ll miss the last payment and have it repoed. Just yoinked out of the blue while I’m in class or something. I don’t like that.

Also, my car isn’t starting the first time ever since it got nastily frosty cold the past few days. It starts right up the second go, but the first time, it just sputters. What’d I break? Some of Mom’s cars have done that in the super cold, so I think it might be normal, but what do you do? Is it just A Thing? Do you let it happen until spring comes along and thaws shit out? Or do you have to put some kind of fluid in there when it’s cold? I’ve got antifreeze in there. And I had an oil change. Nobody mentioned any other fluids.

I’d ask Spouse, but he’d probably go all haughty and tell me that I should KNOW since I paid for that driver’s ed class and all.

And I don’t know. At all.

But that’ll be tomorrow’s worry, right?

There’s always tomorrow. Tomorrow I hit 10% on that motherfucking 50k and tomorrow, I figure out why my car hates to start and tomorrow, I maybe ask if Idiot Boy would like to make a paper budget so we can try working together gasp on a month. And maybe a menu. That budget comes on line tomorrow, too.

I didn’t know he was going to be like this when we got married. Honestly, I thought it was all cute back then. But it didn’t get better. I feel so penned in around him. It occurs to me that I am super bad at boys. They either want me for something I don’t want to be, want me when I don’t want them, or they want to keep me all boxed up like I’m some kind of weird collector thing. You Need This to Adult Boy: a Wife, A House, A Car, 2.5 Kids.

I don’t want to be a tick mark in a box, though.

I want to be someone’s adventure.

At the same time, I want to keep my kids perfectly safe. Perhaps a bit more than they want to be kept safe. Kitty crawled into my bed this morning and let me cuddle her. I read a book off her back and she played some IPad game. It was a good time.

I miss the days when they were little. I want to see the days when they’re grown up.

It’s such an odd place to sit.