Hitting my head against a wall re: career in Everyday life

So I've been ranting lately, online and offline, about doing more writing. It used to define who I was. I was a writer. Sure, a newspaper reporter, but I still wrote. I enjoyed many aspects of the job. (A lot I didn't, but that's for another time.)

I picked up two freelance assignments this weekend, getting myself back in the game. It's the first reporting I've done in a long time, probably close to a year at this point. And when I did it at my old position here, it was sporadic, not regular.

I'm rusty. And afraid. This is part of why I stopped reporting -- I get way too timid when interviewing people or being in public. That's the part of the job I abhor. Put me on the phone with a source, and I'll be able to talk to him and her, and usually get them to open up. Put me on the scene with people I don't know and by myself, and I'll usually clam up.

That's what happened at my first assignment, on Sunday. My timidness meant I didn't talk to the people I should've talked to, and as a result my piece is going to be making chicken salad out of chicken shit. I only have myself to blame; I could've done a lot better job, but I decided to be my own worst enemy.

Yet this is still what I want to do, to write and tell people's stories. Covering breaking news isn't my thing -- I love writing features and telling stories. Writing that makes me seem as if I'm being a self-important prick, but hey, it's what I like doing. I wish I could do more of it. Problem is, if I can't do the hard news stuff, places will be hesitant to use my reporting otherwise.

This whole conundrum frustrates me. I've tried many meds to be more comfortable around other humans, and I'm just not. I get way too nervous about this stuff, way too into my head. I wish I could find a way to stop the overthinking, to just be chill and do a job and not worry about the other BS.

This has been an entry of rambling and I'm pretty sure I didn't make much sense with all the jumping around, but that's how my mind is working now.