Well. Look who's peeking back in. I'm sure you knew I'd be back when the shit finally hit the fan, right? Well, it did, but it was a slow shit into a slow fan and it's finally over between SexyPants and me.
After that bullshit in November, SexyPants came back with a vengeance. Again, it was dreamlike...heavenly. I do have a huge capacity of love for him no matter what he does, and I guess that's been my problem all along. I love him dearly.
But I also obsessed about him severely. And that is where it all went wrong. Or at least MY side of the wrong.
A couple more incidents of my insecurities over the last few months had rendered him not only distant, but telling me that he didn't want to get married after all. He said he liked the status quo of our committed relationship, but we still hadn't "fixed" our issues and of course, they weren't going to go away automatically after a wedding, as much as he wished I would just get over it... I simply couldn't.
And by Getting Over It I mean completely giving him a slide on all of the bullshit flirting and texting/sexting, emailing and secretly visiting other women. People, I ask you, HOW does one simply GET OVER that and trust that he'll stop that shit when it was happening the whole time we were together? I mean, I get it, in order for a relationship to work there HAS to be trust, and in these types of scenarios (his travel and easy opportunity), it was enough to make me go out of my mind sometimes. Seriously, once that trust is gone, it's gone.
He couldn't deal. He did recognize that he brought all of this on. He ruined the trust and takes responsibility for that...but to have him tell me that over time my concerns and insecurities made him lose something for me - well, let me tell YOU something. I lost everything when I found out about his shit. I didn't want to even touch the man for a long time after.
I don't know, you guys. He did this on Friday evening. I spent the whole weekend alone licking my wounds (well, except for Friday night - another story in a second), and today I feel so weird about it all. I feel a bit bamboozled. I feel conned and embarrassed and ashamed for being a sucker.
I don't regret the relationship. Not at all. I did have a wonderful, wonderful time.
But here's what I DO know about myself: I can have a GREAT time with other people too. When I lost Bryan (I can't remember what I called him in OD, but he was my first fiancé, in case anyone remembers), I thought that I would never find another soul who I shared such passion with. Our relationship was rocky and scary, super sexy and at times violent. I thought all of that was PASSION!!! Boy, did I learn.
And now, I know that there are others out there with whom I can experience pure, untamed JOY!!! I know this because I experienced it with SexyPants. We had the absolute best time together - we'd belly laugh until I wet my pants, we shared so many beautiful and not-so beautiful secrets, I felt so much love for him regardless of all of the other bullshit.
Because of these two relationships, I KNOW for sure that I can have this again. I do. I can have more wonderful, fun, passionate, joyous relationships. And I will, for sure.
But as far as the other stuff goes: blind trust, faith, etc., I'm not so sure.
I realize that I put a LOT of...what's the word...pressure (?) on a relationship. In other words, my expectations are probably super difficult to meet and totally impossible to sustain. I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want out of a relationship moving forward.
It's time to start thinking about what I really want and where my expectations should be. I miss him dearly, but I think that this is going to be the best thing ever....after I get over it.
I love you, GS
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