October 19, 2019 in Productivity Diary
Revised: 10/20/2019 12:19 a.m.
- Oct. 19, 2019, midnight
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- Public
Beginning balance: 19.05 hours
I need to WORK! This method would probably be more effective if combined with the other method too.
15 minutes
12 mins
16 mins 50 secs
I’m going to get the stopwatch running and I’m not going to pause it, how’s that?
1 hour 3 minutes 39 secs
50 mins 14 secs
I think I need to finish all these grading. As long as I still have grading to do, I still feel like I can’t do other things.
1 hour 1 mins
3 mins 4 secs
1 hour 11 mins
Current balance: 14.02 hours
Okay, I am in fact wasting too much time.
I am still grading! I am so slow. I need to combine the two methods together. Okay now, from now until bedtime today, I will be alternating 25 minutes physical task and grading one paper.
14 mins 4 secs
7:44 PM 25 minutes physical task
46 mins
14 mins
Ending Balance: 12.07 hours
A snippet from my daily messages to him:
I don’t really know what kind of life I want, and I’m so busy, but what am I doing really? I used to think that since I was so shy and socially awkward, and I LOVED my college experience, and I always got along with my college professors, I should be in academia; as in, becoming a college professor and never leaving that place I loved again. Well, I entirely underestimated how freaking hard it is to get into their place– a tenure-track position. But really, no one ever told me that it would be so hard; like, I did read plenty of caution articles about getting a career in academia, but whenever I brought up those points from articles, my college professors would dismiss it and say someone like me needn’t worry about those. Well, at this point, I’m utterly defeated by the requirements to publish original research, and I have to do a bunch of soul-searching to figure out how wrong I have been with my own perception about myself, and how I may NOT make another mistake with the next step. You know, I still get comments from people who just met me about how I look like a nun (no idea why really, I’m actually a fan of casual jeans and t-shirt), or someone who would make a good nun, or someone who is going between convents trying to find the right one for myself (it works like finding a partner– you have to look for your match in terms of activities, personality etc.). Okay, the point of this is that, I turn out to be quite different a person than how I used to perceive myself, which was based on other people’s perception of myself: apparently, I’m not nerdy enough to be in academia, and I do want a man!
Last updated October 20, 2019
Jinn ⋅ October 20, 2019
:-) Nerdy is in . You can do whatever you want to do if you are persistent
Enough and do not let yourself get distracted . :-)
dancingstrawberry Jinn ⋅ October 21, 2019
Thank you haha! Although right now I'm trying to figure out when to give up :P
Jinn dancingstrawberry ⋅ October 21, 2019
Never!
dancingstrawberry Jinn ⋅ October 21, 2019
:-)
Deleted user ⋅ October 21, 2019
it must be very hard when your future is filled with uncertainy. perhasp it’s also difficult for you to get in tune with yourself. it's okay to continue doing that soul-searching. think about what, with whom, and where...do you want to be, now? what’s in your perfect world?
i would imagine that professors don't want to take the risk of discouraging their students, and perhasp it is more difficult for them to see the difficulties they have gone through now that they are in that position.
i know that other people's perception about myself, especially the aspects i hold very important or that i'm uncertain about, can make a huge impact on me. i cling on to them, whether or not they are pleasing to hear. something like "your skills have improved" or "you are the kindest person i've met" can be extremely encouraging, and vice versa. but they're not everything. people can't see the big picture of myself. so in the end i'd smile, i'd take that compliment in, i know that it's not always going to be the same forever, but i have the capacity to decide my next course of action, and make mistakes, and try again.
your ability to fit in to a place or overcome challenges also depends very much on the situation you are given as well even though it's easy to attribute to yourself. is it only because you are "not nerdy enough" to be in academia? do you often look back and think: without this person,or persons, or place, i would not have made it through (a lot/ sometimes/ not really, I'm independent)? an example would be your therapist. without them, what do you think your perception about yourself would have been?
so with desiring a relationship. by a certain age you are ripened to feel that desire to a full extent. it becomes the priority of your life. i know it might be difficult but in a time of uncertainty it might be worth a try to approach such people and ask what gives them such perceptions they have about you so that you don't have to make guesses about what they think about you.
soul-searching is difficult and not everyone is completely done at it even later in life. it's okay, it can be a long-term goal.
dancingstrawberry Deleted user ⋅ October 21, 2019
Thank you for your input :). I guess I just need to to enough soul-searching to know what my next concrete step should be. And yes, there is a kind of soul-searching that is more a life-long project.
He wasn't my therapist, just a listener :P. I guess the thing about him was that he never gave me his perception of me, and I really, really appreciated that. What he did was to help and encourage me to really see and understand myself, but he wouldn't give his own opinion. :P
Deleted user dancingstrawberry ⋅ October 22, 2019 (edited October 22, 2019)
Edited
just because no one knows about the battle you’re fighting doesn’t mean you’re the only one. don’t let your worth or your dignity drop because of anyone's understanding of you.
and that is a good insight. and yet i fear that in my attempt to understand and validate one's perspective, i am forcing my own perception upon them. i guess it is something i should keep in mind as well. there are many unheard or misunderstood voices, even just as i look around myself. i wonder how your listener has succeeded in that. to be there for someone, but not fixing them.
dancingstrawberry Deleted user ⋅ October 25, 2019 (edited October 25, 2019)
Edited
Yes that is something I kept on marveling about him too! Here's something he wrote that I think gives a bit of insight into his approach: "when people tell you their problems they usually don't say everything on their mind. They also don't want to lie so they try to be honest without actually saying it. ... The idea is to get to the truth. People new to the site don't know how it works or how honestly they should be. I want them to know that they can say whatever is on their minds. The idea is to get them to a place where they say the thing they are having trouble saying." At least one of the tactic is to not assume that you have heard the full story before giving your opinion. It might be just a special gift, something he does naturally.
Deleted user dancingstrawberry ⋅ October 26, 2019 (edited October 26, 2019)
Edited
true i can relate to the inability to express my whole self in words when face to face with others. sometimes there is just not enough time to express them all, and moments pass. sometimes there is simply no gateway to say them because of the kind of position i have with that person. do you think this would be the ideal and possible way people treat each other in an intimate relationship? where nothing can be said more than it needs to be said because everything is accepted?
i guess it is a gift in itself to acknowledge and observe a kind of special gift in another person. so thank you for sharing.
dancingstrawberry Deleted user ⋅ November 11, 2019
Hmm I don't know if that would be the ideal way people treat each other in an intimate relationship, because everyone talks about how communication is key. I think communication is something we have to learn and practice all throughout our lives.