The Quest for a Motherfucking Cheese Bagel in Candy Corn on the Cob (October 2019)

I cannot, for the life of me, find a fucking cheese bagel in town. Walmart hasn’t had them for a week. I know because I’ve looked. Every day. For a week. Winco was out of cheese ones. They had Hawaiian, which is nice, and they had berry and salsa, which aren’t. But they did not have cheese. School shop has jalapeno, which has some cheese, too, but NOT plain cheese. Saar’s, this morning, has pumpkin spice everyfuckingthing, but not cheese bagels. There are no cheese bagels. I am upset. I will try Fred Meyer’s tonight, I guess: if I want a damn cheese bagel, it’s like $3 for five and I can HAVE that. I made it. I get paid tomorrow. I can have a cheese bagel if I want. And, of course, if I can find one. That…shouldn’t be the challenging part of this equation.

But it is this week. I can do pumpkin spice any bread product you want, but I CANNOT find a cheese bagel. And it’s making me angry. Wal-Mart’s cheese bagels are actually okay, before you ask. Quite good, actually. Freddy’s does them in house in the bakery, though, so if they have them, they’re the best in town anyway. I could do well if I insisted on getting the best around in a few things. Why not start with cheese fucking bagels, right?

I’m trying not to write Alaina’s paper on Jamestown. I could knock it out in like 20 minutes, because she has hand-picked documents that point out how totally fucked it was to put Jamestown where it is. But I’m NOT an eighth grader and she learns nothing if I make this go away. So she’s right there, writing a paper on Jamestown. And she brought the two biggest reasons she didn’t do it yesterday with her. Brilliant child. What the fuck, even.

I need that cheese bagel and about thirty zillion beers. Forever.