Confession. in These Foolish Things

Good morning! I have a confession to make first thing: I loooooove anything pumpkin spice! I’m sorry, everyone. I can’t help it. Fall is finally here, so bring on that sweet and spicy pumpkin-y everything! I am sitting at my desk at work sipping on a decaf pumpkin spice latte and loving every last drop! Note that this is not a daily thing because I don’t like the amount of sweetness in my coffee, or really in my food either (I have savory tastes), but for that extra special treat I loooove me some pumpkin spice!

Speaking of sweets, during my nightly phone call with my mom last night, she told me something that makes me really, really sad. See, my dad has been struggling with some health issues lately and the most notable one recently is double vision. I’m really sensitive to eyesight stuff because I’ve learned so much about the brain lately, and double vision is a REALLY bad sign (especially if it’s only in one eye). My dad went to the eye doctor but refuses to go to his primary care physician, probably because he’s scared to find out that it might be a brain tumor or an aneurysm (hello). Anyway, his eye doctor told him that if it doesn’t go away in a few weeks, it could be one of many things, but the most probable call, in his opinion, is diabetes.

So, my mom and dad are now saying that he’s diabetic…which, okay. Let’s change his habits, right? Notably, his eating habits, right?

But my mom told me last night that my dad looked at some information on a diabetic diet and he told her that he’d rather die than go on that diet. And he meant it. He’s been saying things like this for about a year now. You guys, that makes me tear up just writing it out. My sweet old wonderful, wonderful father seems to be giving up at 80 years old. It just feels like maybe he’s tired and kinda done. And what can you do…when you’re done, you’re done, right? If he doesn’t want to take steps to improve his health, then what do you do? Palliative care? Just make sure that he’s happy?

God, I’m full on crying now at my desk. I can’t even bear to think about this. But I want him to be happy and comfortable no matter what. My dad is the kindest-hearted most precious man I know. I love him so dearly, even though he’s never once in his life uttered the words, “I love you” to me. Can you believe it? I know he does by his actions. He is interested in everything that’s going on in my life and knows at least a little bit about everything that I’m interested in. He is the best dad I could ever imagine having. I want to beg him, please don’t give up yet. But I can’t make him stay if he doesn’t want to, you know?

Oh, my daddy.

Whew. I hadn’t planned to go there.

It’s Friday, guys, and I have zero plans for the weekend. Probably a nice, early walk on the trail tomorrow morning and maybe even go out to see my folks. We’ll see. I know I need to do some deep cleaning in my apartment, but we’ll see how far I get.

The Big Wild Rancher is on his way out of state for his car race. He sent me photos of the Corvette he’ll be racing. I gotta admit, it’s gorgeous, but I don’t know thing one about race cars and racing except that it’s a super expensive hobby. I asked him what he’d win if he wins his race and he told me, bragging rights. He’s an odd one and an interesting one, that’s for sure. I don’t know about him, but I do look forward to learning more. I hope he keeps his word about taking me to the fair because he’d be a great one to see cars and livestock with - as well as making out on the big ferris wheel…

Lots to do today on the work front, so I guess I’ll close for now. I still feel really emotional and need to pull myself together.

All my love,
GS