Subconscious in The First Life

I shouldn’t write this, but I’m going to.

Tonight John wrote to apologize to me for all the time he spent ignoring me.
He says he just turned 30 and he needs to clear the air.
He apologized for how things went but didn’t explain anything. I guess I didn’t need that though.
Said he’s leaving the country next June.
Getting married in December.
This girl he’s not even been with a year.

I wouldn’t tell him how it really felt.
Why tears welled up in my eyes.. I’m unsure.
I can’t dissect my feelings enough to know what rational thoughts (or subconscious) are leading to them.
I just know how it tasted.
Like copper and salt and missed heartbeats.
Coaxing the words from me like heat on a wound.

Every time I think of marriage, I think of us in Tennessee. I think of the feeling I had when I believed he wanted that with me.

He should have married Paige.
She’s probably the one he really misses.
They were together longer than he and I, not by too much.
They lived together, he wouldn’t do that with me.
Maybe I still hurt, watching him do things with every other girl that isn’t me.
I don’t know why.
I probably could have had that, had I not left when we last tried.
I just feel like I was never enough.
He is someone that I’ve always felt so deeply connected to. But ive never been enough.
Maybe that’s why it hurts.

It’s not even to say that’s what I want.
I love zac.
I can’t explain why this hurts.
I feel like a piece of shit for feeling this.

With you, I will be invincible.
With me, you will be free.