I haven’t been doing a lot of public posting lately, I just haven’t felt inclined to share a lot of what I’ve been putting down lately combined with just the feeling of mediocrity I’ve had when it comes to women in my life and how they just create drama I think I need but clearly don’t. I was cleaning out notes in my iPhone, iPad and MacBook (since I’m a lazy shit and don’t synchronize any of them) and I let a friend go through and read some things I find super personal and not really comfortable sharing. She’s been a close friend through the last few exes and through my cancer years and she knows many details that my friends don’t. This woman has begged me to at least start putting it out there in small doses and that I write sad stuff well enough to be one of “those Instagram bitches that sell their four line quotes in a hundred page book for $20.” She said this one made her cry (she was bawling for an hour so I don’t know if it was just a long sob or what) but after hemming and hawing snd considering advice I have been given here, not to mention how I think I’ve finally healed and/or given up the lackluster romantic infatuation I had with saving this relationship, I can finally start sharing some things and after all, my 2018 was a considerable rollercoaster of highs and lows and decisions as to whether I had truly hit rock bottom (asked myself multiple times in 6 months actually) and for as much as I want to move on and have, it still reminds me daily of what I had to persevere to get to my steady mental stability this year. So here, be gentle.
You Were Gone
I wrote about you until I ran out of things to say about you
I sulked until it made me happy to be so sad
Envied you and how you just cut me off completely
Even after telling me you loved me and couldn’t wait to see me after work
You were just gone.
Left a box of my clothes, letters I’d write to you and leave under the wiper of your car while you slept
Dropped off on my stoop with no notice.
It hurt so bad to look at every picture of you I had saved
Captioned with I love you and I miss you and I cannot wait to spend life together
Then the person I had cared about more than anything in thirty two years of my life
You were just gone.
I racked my brain looking for ways to get a second chance
Continue the game I played so awfully
Looked through the squared shape of a whiskey bottle
Until I couldn’t see straight and days ran into months
Reached out to you in messages, letters and calls
But they went without a response
I was starting to go.
Drinks and days became symbiotic
Tried to talk myself into finding any reason to live
No reason left to love anyone or anything
Got through my birthday and everything was a blur
My love and soul was just gone.
I didn’t want to be here anymore but I knew
As cowards know you can’t do it alone
Especially when deep down you know you still care about something, someone.
Luckily they pulled me over before I was able to cause any harm to anyone, myself
We were almost just gone.
Something awoke inside me after the alcohol left
I had fought too hard for too long with my own health
Just to carelessly throw it away because I was broken hearted
I felt it inside of me somewhere I couldn’t place
I had to just be here.
Months went by and I got help
Took myself out of the limelight and away from the attention I craved to find from anyone willing
Worked on myself until I was sick of myself then realized I had never felt like that before.
Still I never moved on from that face, those eyes
The giggle that melted any long day of work
Even if we never see each other again I just know
You never lied about our love
You just had to go.
It’s my birthday Saturday and I’ll be 34. I’ve been sober 275 days and this is the first birthday in fifteen years I think I’ll be able to remember from start to finish and maybe you’ll hear from me before then.