The Desire to Achieve. in Life

I’m not sure if it’s because of Paternity leave or my growing agoraphobic tendencies but the days where I’m left wandering around lost and confused trying to identify this feeling of emptiness inside of me seem to be increasing in frequency.

And I think just now I’ve identified it as a desire to achieve. I look back on my past and my parents were always heavily focused on the practicality of life lessons. There was very little creative lessons in there. Which is surprising because both my parents were (are?) incredibly creative people. If my mom had taught me to sew when I was younger that could have changed my life significantly as I do really find fashion interesting.

If my father had taught me how to paint when I was younger then it would have changed my life drastically. But they were always so focused on their careers and jobs (which makes sense as a single parent) and I feel like their creative moments were their alone time which really left me to my own devices. For a time that worked. I was very creative in my writing, drawings etc, as any child would be when given a blank page but I feel like that all went off the rails when I was subdued by ritalin.

I cannot over state how much that zombified me and utterly destroyed my interior identity, and some days I feel like I float back into that zombification of apathy and disinterest in what’s going on around me. Like I’m just floating past everyone else who’s existing.

I want to exist.