How very egotistical of me to write here. What have I to say that is worth the posting in so strangely public and yet anonymous a place? It rings oddly of exhibitionism and that is not like me. Very not like me.
I am a closed soul in many ways. I do not keep counsel with anyone of late. I have come to realize this only recently, this systematic habit of isolation I have fallen into. It is easy to withdraw from the world of others. It can be done simply and logically in such a manner that even those who believe they know you do not notice you drawing away. In my own case, I hardly even noticed it myself. It was only that I took the easier path at every turn and ended up here in this very safe, very boring, little cul-de-sac of a life.
It is possible, in days like these, to exist apart, to become one of the edge-dwellers, one of the quiet occasional voyeurs of life. I found, through unconscious design perhaps, that one need only turn one's life 180 degrees from that which is most common. And so I did. I have turned from day to night, becoming essentially nocturnal. It was a simple manuever which excised me from the society of friends and family. It provides an excellent and most polite excuse for any refusal. Relations can be stretched into a state of near-memory, new invitations gently rebuffed, all with the inoffensive explanation that I, though falsely claiming dismay at disappointing, find I must be asleep whenever the offering party wishes to connect.
And so it has gone now for several years, keeping my own company, keeping my own counsel. Oh so much easier not to interact, not to have to defend, not to have to explain how I have come to be who I now am, so much easier, so much safer. Which brings us now full circle -- what have I now to say that is worth the saying and by what right do I presume to say it?
March 2014
Some of the circumstances have changed over the years since I first wrote this, but I am amazed how true to the sentiment I still find myself.
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