So, for the past few months, I have been seeing a girl on and off in a tumultuous ‘Let’s sleep together, but not get serious’ affair with a girl, named Sabrina. Aptly, she is a huge fan of astrology, witchcraft, paranormal shit - the stuff I dream to make fun of all the goddamn time. Sabrina is an alternative cam model; she’s full of tattoos, piercings, multi colored hair, and loves to show her naked body to hordes of horny old creeps and have money wired to her through Venmo/Paypal/Circle/etc. without ever having to interact with these people.
We met through Hinge, and initially it was just a profile for her to ‘meet weirdos and take their money,’ but I guess I came off as sweet, she liked my beard and I know she won’t admit it like many of the women I’ve been in relationships with the past few years, but she feels bad about the cancer/hardships I’ve endured and thinks I’m too nice to be alone. I should appreciate that but, you know, it’s hard for me to change overnight - or overmonth. Anyways, our relationship has been one of comfortableness and one I can easily distance myself from if I’m feeling exhausted. I hate to compare it to my old relationship with my stripper ex, but, it’s pretty close. The girl wants me to settle down and I’m just busy enjoying being happy and at peace in my head for once in a goddamn long time.
Tonight, with it being Friday the 13th, and a full harvest moon, she is in particularly high spirits and very enthused by all the events. If you haven’t kept up (and I honestly can’t remember if I wrote about it months ago) Sabrina likes to ‘enchant’ water by ‘blessing’ it with some fucking chants and then letting it sit out under the light of the full moon for the ‘beams of moonlight to fully empower the water’ or some babble like that. Well, there was that one night a few months ago in the beginning of summer where I had drank it and then went and gambled at the casino and won over ten thousand dollars, so to amuse her, I let her keep doing it and I drink the water - partly because I like her, somewhat because I like the sex, mainly so I don’t get killed for chastising her. Well, with tonights epic “super event,” I have convinced her that I need the super powers in the first whiskey that I drink in 2020. Currently, I am writing this in her room as she sits on the patio adjusting everything for prime moon absorption (I cannot write this without laughing.)
There’s a sweetness there that I can’t explain - she knows I make fun of her, I apologize, I try my hardest not to laugh when she’s reading charts, cards, blah but as someone that’s lived and died by luck and gambling forever now, my astrological sign means about as much to me as having been blessed in the mormon temple in salt lake city. I try not to draw comparisons to Heather - for the sake of my therapists brain when I meet with her - but I feel that guilt I used to feel by pushing her away when I need space and then running back when she calls or I feel like it. Not that I’m concerned she’s unstable like H, she’s not, she’s actually amazing and I don’t have a good reason to not date her other than I still can’t get over the massive broken heart I still feel like I have. So, as I sit here, now by a small fire she built so we can sit outside and cuddle, I tear myself up inside wondering what I should do about her - I can’t keep dodging the ‘lets get serious’ conversation but at the same time I can’t bring myself to think that this newfound love of my own life and enjoyment of being here on a brisk, bright night isn’t just luck.
Might be the moon water.