So I continued to get worse over the weekend. I passed out in a dance class on Thursday, and I got sent home from work on Sunday.
I met with my therapist, I have a meal plan-ish. I have to hit 500 cals 3 days per week, and no purging. I got to pick the days, so I picked my heaviest dance days.
My therapist and Meg talked to each other and decided that i need to have a physical, I can't go to my doctor because I'll be in trouble if I do. I'm thinking about going to a community clinic, and just not telling them anything, other than i need a physical. Probably what I will do, since there's one right down the street from me.
I also need to be in therapy weekly, which is not that big of a deal, since I have been anyway. They agreed that Meg would pull me out if she is at all concerned about my health in anyway.
While I feel like the both should know what's going on, I also feel like this puts pressure on me, to either do what I need to be doing or to just go back into hiding and just say everything is fine. I also feel like I need to fudge my foold log and not log what i purged and just list it all under the intake.
I know my mind is not working correctly, and that my thoughts are delusional and crazy.
Tomorrow we have to be in rehearsal dress...tights and a black leotard. I've been wearing multiple layers everyday because there are bones where there shouldn't be and I have massive bruises on my hip bones and on the edges of my ribs like going up to the breast bone. Floor work hurts, but i just do it. The pilates mats hurt, but i just do it. I can't show any weakness, especially now.
Now, more than ever, i just need to show all the strength i can. It was a mistake to say anything to anyone and I should have just kept my mouth shut. I will from now on.
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