Meh. Again. in Dancing on a Blade (September 2019)

First day for three of my classes. Spanish is MWF, and these three are Tuesday-Thursday. It’s nice because I have that day between classes to pump out the work. It’s not nice because the last class ends at 8 pm. That’s a whole day on campus, depending on Spouse to provide proper nutrition and guidance for the kids. And did I mention I don’t have a working phone? (I would have one, but he lost his, and I am not paying for a service that I can’t use because of carelessness. He needs to find a new phone, find his old one, or something. But until then, I’m incommunicado, rolling around all by myself in my car.)

There’s a break in classes from 3:30 to 6. It is just enough for me to think “I could go home, have dinner, come back” and also “if I go home I will not make it out again. Also, gas waste.”

It’s an odd situation. When Spouse was in power, toodling me everywhere, I would be trapped here for that time period. He would not come until 8. And he wouldn’t come at 8 and wait, either, if I wasn’t ready once, he’d add an hour. I don’t want to sit on a dark campus until 9 during the rainy season. I mean, I have access to the buildings because ID does that, but if I am not watching…he might drive off. I don’t know anyone here well enough to find a place to crash the night. He knows that.

Sometimes I think it was all always a ploy to make me “appreciate” him because “without him” I’d have to walk home…once.

I really cut off a bunch of power-plays when I bought that car. Now, we’re back to squabbling and he’s hoarding money (nothing ever adds up.) Ah, and he’s not telling me kid appointments again. Kind of “you aren’t here, you don’t know” shit.

Well, dude, why aren’t I there? I did agree to be a stay at home mom, way back when you said you’d be happy to be the breadwinner. And now you go on about how you always wanted to be a stay at home dad? What. If you’d voiced this way back when Adia was a speck, I would have gotten my damn degrees and waded out to fight the corporate lion. I could have breastfed her the whole round and kept up, she was easy. The twins would have been beautifully spaced for my master’s. But you didn’t say anything.

And that is another reason I hate you.

(Hint: it would help if you stopped chanting “I love you” at me every time I move. Does it not register that I am not saying it back??)

Ooh you know what? I can leave campus! I can go to the market and buy myself a cheap dinner. They have fake Chinese. Sometimes fake Chinese is lovely. They also have fresh French bread and cheese. I like a good cheese sammy.

It is so weird not to be trapped here. So, so weird. It is hella weird to just be able to go get a thing when you need a thing. Is this what everyone else does? Does no one else have to bargain for rides, or like household supplies like dish soap, or time slots to get food in the house and stuff? I’ve never not fought him to get shit done.

I like not having to bother with him when I want to do something. But lately, if I move, he’s on me like white on rice, wanting to come too. The fuck is that? I couldn’t get his interest to get practice driving when we “shared” the Nissan. (it wasn’t sharing. I had to beg to drive. We had it a year and he let me drive it nine. whole. times.) But now I can’t fucking lever him out of my Ford and he has his own Loser Cruiser Volvo. (Adia named his car. It overheats whenever it wants, and is generally an asshole.)

Someone come decode males for me. I think mine is just too broken to be useful and might need replaced. I also think the replacement might need to be female.

I mean, I like dick fine, provided it’s relatively well behaved dick, but I’m thinking I am so done with men. I don’t know if it’s just that one, or if it’s all of them. I don’t know. I don’t know much of ANYTHING. Except man do I have homework.

I need to get those textbooks straight away on Friday. I might have to pay for air shipping, and I so don’t want to do that.

But for now, Grocery Store Adventure and the endless, eternal question: what do I want for dinner?

I don’t know yet, and at least that question means I’m gonna have an adventure.