31 Days to 'Change Your Life' - 5 - "What needs to change" in Dancing on a Blade (September 2019)

Short answer: fucking everything needs to change. Nothing about how I am living right now is acceptable, except that I’m in school and working on getting better. And I’m making dental appointments. Also, I am looking for a therapist. Starting here on campus, as Spouse cannot access my campus health care records at all. This is important because he messes with them. He makes and changes appointments, he calls about drugs I’m on, he cancels my therapist in a half-baked attempt to use my therapy for the year as “marriage” therapy (and then he doesn’t show up or schedule the appointments.) I would like that to cease. HIPPAA says it wasn’t supposed to happen at all, but there are exception forms, and he sulked and fussed til I filled one out. Every year.

Sometimes, I wonder where the line between “I love you” and “I own you,” and “abuse” really is. If I can’t do what I want for fear of his reaction, am I being abused or just oversensitive?

It’s the first day of school today. There isn’t actually a class for me today, because of Convocation. Classes start after the ceremony. That’s at 10. This is 9:17. That means I have 40 plus minutes of blessed fucking silence to do nothing in. And that’s just awesome. I mean, I’d worry about shutting someone out right now, because people are greeting people all over, but I’m basically a trash human and I get this seat all to myself. Actually, I knew two people coming in, but I’m guessing that it’s just not cool to hang out with people twice your age on the first day of school. eyebrows

It’s okay. One day, they’ll be forty, too. And a large percentage of them will probably be mid-second degree. Or first, for the ladies who don’t make it because of “twoo wub.” And you know that happens.

Anyway. So, the Plan to Change My Life is already made. I don’t need to make it twice. (Don’t remember The Plan? The Plan is school, license, job, apartment, custody, divorce. It might skip custody because the twins will be 15 by the time I am ready to plausibly support them, and I think a judge lets children that old ask where they wanna go. My girls are coming with me. I will, however, grant him weekends, holidays of his choice, and overnights, because we’ve never had an issue with molestation or anything. )

Other Plans:

-Plan to lose fifteen pounds. And keep it off a year. That one needs me to go double-check access to school gym and pool. And to find my swimsuit. And a gym bag. And settle on a routine for about 30 minutes a day (at first.) Barriers: Endless Period. I don’t FEEL like moving, but I really like Cheetos. It is, sadly, a problem.

-Plan to fix the superfund site in my mouth: I need to make a dental appointment. I missed my last one because Vroom Vroom Motherfucker blew a shoe and Spouse was taking roommate to work. (We don’t live on a bus line.)

-Plan to pass these godforsaken classes: In waiting-for-syllabus stages. I can’t do much with that until then.

-Menu plan: Needs made for the week. Lots of options at home right now.

-Plan Nanowrimo: Still working on “lord of the estate” but digital. It’s tentatively named “Debtor’s Prison.” That’ll probably change. I named the mfc Jonalee and the mmc might be Damien.

-Plan Smutfic: Smutfic never says die. Smutfic is eternal. There’s not actually much SMUT in it, for a fifty-page was-supposed-to-be-a-fuckfest (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uWGDbdETDZEalhZynOYvSXBdatPL27quxzdSYk0zs_8/edit?usp=sharing). Maybe it’ll get better?

-Plan Part-Time Job: I put in an application at 7-11. I need to find like four more places and also, develop a resume and cover letter.

-Plan “finding your voice” essay. It’s optional, but if I do it, I need to have it on Professor Simpson-Younger’s desk by the 25th. I think I have a novel angle, because unlike my peers, I’ve had to teach someone to speak. Three times. And I did find my own voice because of that, but it wasn’t ALL of my voice. (Did you know I exist in a form that has little to do with my children when I want to?)

So, yeah, “change your life in 31 days,” I got plans. Just…I don’t have a lot of room to execute some, and some are years away. And they aren’t going to fix everything.