31 Days to 'Change Your Life' - 4 - "What do I dislike about myself" in Dancing on a Blade (September 2019)

Well, there’s not much I like about me.

I don’t like my body.
I don’t like my hair.
I don’t like my weight.
I don’t like my infernal patience.
I don’t like my tendency to overeat.
I really hate that IBS thing that isn’t actually IBS.
I hate my dairy allergy.
I don’t like my voice.
I don’t like my skin - it’s scaly.

I don’t like my taste in books. I don’t automatically love the classics.

I HATE MY PERIOD. But to be fair, I’ve been bleeding more days than not since November 2018. (Yes, I’ve seen a doctor. Yes, there was a solution tried. But the IUD has its own bleeding period.)

I hate being indecisive.

I hate not being able to draw. I can’t even do Pictionary.

I hate being last-place for people I love.
Dude, I even hate the fact that my housecat is slumming with other people.

I hate the heat.
I hate that I didn’t make “normal” kids. Not one.
I also hate that they’re all girls. I really wanted a boy.

I hate that my marriage is imploding.
I hate that I didn’t know better in the first place.

I hate university, but mostly because it’s so hard to have fun doing it at 40 with people counting on you.

I hate that I was a stay at home mom (more like stuck at home mom) for so long. I gave up years I don’t even remember now.

I hate that I don’t just grab something, finish it, and make people read it. I’ll never finish these alone, but I also won’t be showing them to many people. Hah! Novels by appointment only, lol.

I hate that I’m so nervous about getting a job in the social work field that sometimes I vomit. What if I’m not hireable?

What if all of this is for nothing??

I hate that. I hate me. I hate everything. I wonder where my pajama pants are.