Tell a lie, live a lie in Dancing on a Blade (September 2019)

So, I told my husband a lie yesterday. We were fighting about birthdays in the middle of Wal-Mart (we do a lot of our fighting out of the house, because the Siamese Death Army cries if I raise my voice and then they sit between us, nipping at me or at him because Yelling Is Not Allowed.) The kids hate our fighting, too. Anyway, we started off in the car, where I told him that I had been okay giving up Christmas, as it has perma-sucked my whole life (except when I was 9, I got a bike that year) and I was okay with everyone forgetting Mother’s Day because it’s a greeting card holiday anyhow, and I was okay with never doing anything for Valentine’s Day because we don’t have any romance anyhow, and I’m never having sex again (at least not with him.) I was even okay they made me miss my college graduation. Nobody else was going to come, anyway, and what’s the point of a dog and pony show if nobody shows up to watch?

But I really wanted my birthday. One damn day a year. It’s Me Day.

So he throws a tantrum about how I NEVER appreciate his planning for events (okay, fine, I don’t, but this is because he never plans for these things.) He’s got ALL THESE PLANS. He TOLD ME in advance. (What? He told me a half-baked fish tale about how we needed knives and I didn’t need a new car stereo. Now he’s saying he’s been researching car stereos and he’s buying me one around the 23rd. Yeah, I’ll believe that when he gets it done, and not before.)

So I walk off on him. So he chases me around. So, I yank out my phone, and bring Facebook into the loop, and I tell him, “hey, my friends at least want to spend the day with me.”

So, uh, I’m stuck in Lakewood, alone (because I have no friends) and I can’t go home til 6 or so. It’s noon.

I guess I’ll make the best of this situation, but here’s your funny story for the day, about the woman having her fortieth birthday who can’t go home for another five hours or so because she told her husband it was going to be awesome to be with someone who really gave a fuck about her for the day…

One day, promise me this will all be hilarious.