I stole a quiz. From Ferret Mom, who stole it from Jinn... in The Tightrope Dance (August 2019)

On a scale Of 1-10, how strict were your parents?

Never really knew which mom we’d get when we woke up. Dad was OTR (over the road.) Most of the time, mom was a “get the fuck out” mom. Just go outside, read for a few hours, come back for dinner. I had no friends, so I read a lot.

What personality trait has gotten you in the most trouble?

Anxiety. People can’t stand my need to double check everything.

What is your favorite Wikipedia article?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vladimir_Propp : father of the format (“morphology”) of certain fairy tales. I wrote a novel based on his 31 stages (Which are in the article, natch.)

How often do you wash your jeans?

Every three to five wears - sooner if I’ve wiped things on my thigh, which I do a lot.

What extracurricular activities were you involved in during high school?

Which high school? Meh, it was all the same - I never really stayed in one long, as I went to six, and therefore, I did not participate in extracurriculars. I did try out for a one-act play for a competition, but I only got understudy, which is fine as we moved like a week after.

If you could shop for free at one store, which one would you choose?

The only place nearby is Wal-Mart. Probably Wal-Mart.

When you were a kid, what age did you want to get married and have kids?

I didn’t particularly care about all of that, but as I got older, a steady relationship sounded like a great place to be. So I ran off with a 34 year old when I was like 17 and freshly graduated. t was not a great place to be, so then I eloped with a 30 year old at barely 21. Nobody stopped me.

What are the 3 things you want to do before your death?

Publish
Buy and decorate my own home
Have a career.

How do you approach a stranger?

What do I need one for? Usually a smile and “Hey, I’m kind of stuck,” works wonders…

Are you health conscious or weight conscious?

I’m unhealthy, fat, and ugly. I’m just conscious. It’s a problem.

What did you look like as a kid?

Toothy and hairy. Was quite buxom at 12, but look how that ended up - yeah, not going back to being grabbed randomly by every rando ever, thank you.

Do you think humans will last another 1,000 years?

Well, if the housecat survives, he will require staff, yes?

What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?

I let guys handle my heart. I deserved the pain, probably.

Where is the worst smelling place you’ve been?

Probably the delivery room while Kyrie was being born. After being dead nine days, everything kind of reeked, plus it was hot and the windows didn’t open and they kept the door shut.

If you could eat only 3 foods for the rest of your life, what would they be?

I suspect things with cheese, sushi/sashimi, and food made with passion and curiosity.

What movie shook you to your core?

I barely get to watch television.

What’s the most uneasy you’ve felt around another a human being?

For a couple days after the Beast’s diagnosis, I was terrified of messing her up more. We ended up sitting on the sofa sobbing at one another because it didn’t feel like she was my baby anymore. But thankfully, we got over that....right? Only we did it again a bit when she had the cancer scare (it was benign, but call a tumor a fucking tumor! Especially when it’s the size of her fucking fist!)

Is home for you a place or a feeling?

I do not know. I suspect my home is a person. She’s over there yelling because I just chucked an empty Diet Coke can at the cat who just ripped across my fucking keyboard and exploded a lightbulb. (Cat is fine. I am fine. Coke can is OK too…)

What do you think happens after death, if anything?

I hope it’s nice. My dad’s there, and my daughter. But I’m an atheist.

If you were forced to vote for one the biggest dictators of history, (Hitler, Mussolini, Mugabe, Mao, Saddam or Stalin), which one would you pick and why?

Hah! Any good totalitarian is going to execute the social workers in a given country first. I will not survive to “vote.” Also, this is a trick question - these men wouldn’t exactly allow an unbiased vote, they’re all dictators.

If you were given a chance to explore the world oceans, go to outer space or visit 50 different countries, which one you choose and why?

50 countries, fifty new perspectives.

Out of the negative emotions of greed, anger, jealousy and hate, which one would you say affects you the most?

Anger. I have massive rage issues and they’re killing me.

If you got a free $5,000 right this second, how would you use it?

Car paid off - it’s not much, but it’d be nice to own it free and clear. Then, I’d pay off all the weird loopholes keeping me from being licensed, and I’d put some toward making sure the Beast has deposits and stuff for her first apartment and car, which should happen soon…if they ever do…?

If you were forced to pick one religion on this planet, which one would it be and why?

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster counts, right?

Would you ever shave your head?

Sure, it’s just fucking hair.

How short has your hair been?

Had an ear length bob-pixie once after I went a little off the rails and chopped off my own hair…

How long has your hair been?

I think it’s at its longest now. It’s down by my bra strap, and it’s braided.