choose your own misadventure in The Tightrope Dance (August 2019)

I’m having problems with choice today. It’s a thing that comes and goes. If I let it, it will sit in my head and turn everything into jelly. I don’t want that. I like to know what I want.

Problem One: Shit Fic. Kill it or finish it? It has no literary value and no one will ever want to read it. It’s a therapy project. I am still irritated as fuck that I couldn’t get the ship to work when we RPed by post. I am, basically, screaming for her to get back over here and make this shit work because I made HER shit work. But she didn’t make it work so I threw all sixty or so of her toyfriends into the mental trashcan. Because I wanted my one, but she couldn’t make it work, so why did I have to literally write almost seventy others?

And I still crawled back to her. I suck. Know what we’re doing now? Fae. Where…she plays all the girls and I have nothing but rather dull and boring male people who have to do “sexually interested” in contrast to her “innocent little flower” thing. But they’re at least fae, so if she totally pisses me off, I can have them bang one another instead. And I might. Shitty revenge, but…I don’t care. She’s dumped me like four times, and short of the first time, she can’t come through and make a relationship work. I always get attached and then I get dumped.

Problem two: There’s a pretty bedspread at the local Goodwill. $13 again. It’s Asian, purple and gold. Not satin this time. Full-sized. (My bed is twin.) Very pretty. The gold is embroidered asters. I like asters. I think I want it, but money is a thing, and I think I should hang on to it, but I don’t think I’ll find another blanket like that one when I can afford it. Buy and regret, or don’t buy and still regret?

Problem three: I forgot it right now. It exists, though. Oh! Wall art. Do it and hate it, or don’t do it and hate that I won’t do it? I cannot art. But I only have to clip cool phrases out of songs I love already, and it would be something to do. I am so out of Shit to Do.

I want to go home. Except I can’t live there, because I stupidly made all these people.

I didn’t know I wanted to go to university this badly til I got there and realized I couldn’t do half the shit because now I’m old.