a day in a playlist. a playlist in a day? in The Tightrope Dance (August 2019)

I feel musical today. I am still actively suicidal - sorry, don’t go too much farther if that’s bad for you - but I am also moving into a more energetic phase, which means I’m technically in big trouble right now, but usually means that up will eclipse down and I’ll be all right soon. For a given quantity of “all right,” anyway. There is still major shit wrong with this picture.

Like how I was budgeting for meals for the week, and he wasn’t giving me accurate counts for the money, and he’s not giving me money right now - not in usual increments. Less than $100 for meals for 7 for like 7 days? Again? We did this shit last week, and I don’t have the stores I did then, so I can’t do it twice, dude.

So I bought one night’s dinner, because sometimes that’s $40. Was tonight. We’re having a quesadilla bar, though, so that’s like three meal options. What isn’t eaten tonight will be lunch tomorrow, and possibly the day after. But I feel not giving me a reasonable amount is kind of a slap in the face. Hello? Am I so bad with money? (No, I’m not.)

So. Ten songs, one day.

1 - “Nobody’s Listening” - Linkin Park. For trying to have a conversation about the week to come while eldest is busy talking about video game stuff, eating flies, and Harry Potter. At the same time. No conversation about the week was had, and also, I can’t eat French fries with this extraction site.

2 - “Thrift Shop” - Macklemore. Yeah, I took Adia to Goodwill. I wanted to see if they had a panini press for the quesadillas. They had better though! I got a quesadilla maker, an Asian satin bedspread with cranes, rainbow colored…lotus?…and a sun. Fully reversible, the other side is pale pink satin. A steal at $13, y’all. We have a Korean bedding shop, and she sells blankets like this one, but I’d have spent $70 for it. She got a Beetlejuice plushie and another Gengar - I think this is #3. Must start going on Sundays. Students get a discount on Sundays.

3 - “Arma-God-Damn-Mother-Fucking-Geddon” - Marilyn Manson. He snapped at me the whole way home about my driving. I snapped back that he had nineteen years to show me how to do it “the right way.” He didn’t, so I do it my way. We probably both lost that fight, but uh, hello, you can’t expect great results from someone who had to learn a lot of the basics from Youtube…after experiencing a time when she needed to already know ‘em…

4 - “Come Sail Away” - Styx. For the fun I had driving to the grocery store, where I sang very loudly and laughed a lot.

5 - “Brain Damage” - Pink Floyd. Trip back. I sat there wondering why it was 1 - so poetic, and 2 - so well timed. I feel like there is someone else in my head that is not me. I think there is a dissociative trait in whatever my bucket of batshit is, when the psych decides what it is. There’s the fun one that isn’t me and the really dark one. Shit’s bad when she starts to show up.

6 - “Hush” - Deep Purple. It got stuck in my head while I was in the kitchen, discussing Rush. (Daughter was wearing a shirt that said “Free Will,” so I was like, “ooh good song…” and of course, she has no clue who Rush is. I know she’s heard them (she is mine, after all) but apparently they do not click in her head. How sad, to be 13 and not know Rush…!)

7 - “Deja Vu” - Giorgio Moroder with Sia. I just like this one lately.

8 - “You Want it Darker” - Leonard Cohen. It’s been in my head a lot lately. I think it might have a plot idea brewing in it. Either that, or it’s going on the playlist for when I finally off myself. Cheerful thought.

9 - “History Maker” - Dean Fujioka. I’m going to turn this one into a poster, I think. As a kid, I used to write song lyrics on my notebook dividers - you know, those fucking ugly tan-yellow cardboard things in multiple subject notebooks (they’re clear plastic now, can’t do that anymore) - and this one would have been a great one. You pick a theme (or you do not) and then you assemble sections of songs and you draw borders around the different bits. It kept me alive at 14…maybe it still works at 40. At least I’ll get wall art out of it?

10 - “Baby Don’t Stop” - NCT-U. Fanfic related. I think the dumbasses might finally stop quarreling and just bang already. Too bad I can’t write it now…houseful of awake kids.

Last updated August 21, 2019