Last night was weird in the sense that I had put on the new avengers in the background, and had been writing and working on stories and whatnot when in this half sleep dream state I had an image of a scene out of a movie with my friend, Leslie. Leslie and I have this complicated past where we fooled around, drank too much, and worked together, in no certain order. She’s become a close friend of mine and has been keeping tabs on me through the monumental disaster of 2018 and into the quiet, subdued 2019 I have been having. Well, in this trance, I don’t even know what to call it, cause I was most definitely hearing the movie in the background, I had this inner dialogue with Leslie at a wedding about life. It was like my brain was writing a scene, the kicker is that Leslie and I are going to a wedding together in a couple weeks, so this is like a scene my brain envisioned could actually happen. Some of the dialogue I forgot but I was mumbling to myself the whole time and for the better part of it, I had had on my talk-to-text on my iPad so it picked up a lot of my mumbles. The quality isn’t amazing but I think after I can make a story to go with it that I could somehow definitely work this into some stupid Nicholas Sparks-like diatribe of love and relationships and how jaded my brain is.
There would obviously need to be a lot of character development and history provided for this to ever really make any sense but just in the context of how I know Leslie and our relationship together in real life, this short dialogue is something that could happen verbatim.
Z and L decide to walk away from the large gathering of people surrounding the dance floor where the first dance between bride and groom is happening and catch up on things since Z has been locked away.
L: Did you ever see us here, where we are now?
Z: L, I gotta admit. After our storied and ill fated past together, the journeys filled with self loathing, alienation, and annihilating friendships and lovers, all the time I’ve had to be alone recently has made me think about how not terrible being alone actually could be.
L: Doesn’t it actually ever scare you to think that sometimes you’re just so jaded, torn, and broken hearted that you could possibly be alone for the rest of your life?
Z: Would that be so terrible in the end though? I’ve experienced every facet of love I wanted. Nothing great has ever come from it.
L: What do you mean, you’ve experienced all the love you want? How can you actually know that’s a thing?
Z: Sitting here, at a wedding with you, intertwined with a hundred people that I’ve never seen before, clearly surrounded by a direct influx of love, it just doesn’t feel like anything I want to feel ever again.
L: You’ve endured much heartbreak and so much caring and love has been taken from you and never returned. At one point I wanted you to let me, but I see that you’ll never let me in like that so I stopped trying.
Z: Well, I mean…the kids? Me play step daddy? I’m in my thirties and still can’t take care of myself and you’d want a grown man child on top of two growing boys? I’m saving you the hassle because I care.
L: That’s where you’re so wrong. Look at how many stick themselves out there hoping you’ll let them in! You’re the one that makes this a big deal about being alone and having to handle all your emotions by yourself. Sure, you’ve been burned by girls, beat up emotionally by ones that thought they loved you but it doesn’t mean you give up now.
Z: I’m not giving up, rather just done pursuing the notion that I need someone else to make me happy.
L: Can you truly be happy without having anyone else to love other than yourself though?
Z: Now you sound like every single horoscope, palm reading and star chart you try and cajole me into believing.
L: I…just…think you need to realize that as soon as you find the love for yourself after all the trauma you’ve endured that you need to show others that they’re just as capable of finding that change as you were. You never know when helping people find their own passion will lead into a different kind for you.
Z: I’m not dating you still.