The Search for BIGGAYDAN'S Foreskin. in The Official BIGGAYDAN Archive.

The Search For BIGGAYDAN's Foreskin, Part I - 10/13/2003, Part II - 10/14/2003

"Have you ever considered how much less of a penis you have?"

BIGGAYDAN broke the kiss with his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND. Her hand was down his pants, gently fondling his GIANTMANCOCK. He looked at her rather dumbfounded.

"..What?"

"You know, if you had that skin, you'd have more of a penis."

"Bullshit, my penis is whole as it is."

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND took her hand out of his pants and chuckled.

"I think you'd change your tune if the head was removed."

"That's totally different. Look, can we not talk about this, you've killed the mood."

"Well, whatever. Sorry I bought it up."

That evening.....

"Why did you drag me to a Chinese place for dinner, anyway?"

"Because I'm the one in the relationship with PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES. Oh, and I'm menstruating. You know not to argue with me when I'm on the rag."

"Oh. Yeah."

< pause >

"Look, BIGGAYDAN, have a fortune cookie."

She takes one of the two fortune cookies sitting in the center of the table and scoots it over the BIGGAYDAN. He cracks it open, lets the paper fall out and eats the cookies. He takes a look at the paper and reads it aloud.

"You will go in search of something you lost a long time ago."

"Maybe it means your dick." She laughs.

"HEY, I HAVE ALL OF MY DICK RIGHT HERE IN MY PANTS!!" This gets the attention of the restaurants more conservative patrons. BIGGAYDAN sinks in his seat as he notices people turning to look at him. He tries to relax and take a sip of his drink.

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND smiles and bounces in her chair. "Let's go find your foreskin."

BIGGAYDAN nearly spits out his drink. "What?!"

"Yeah! It'll be like a treasure hunt."

"You're out of your mind. It's probably completely decomposed by now!"

"How do you know? You're BIGGAYDAN. Maybe some doctor took it and has it floating in a jar somewhere."

"I refuse to agree to this."

"Excuse me? Who's uterus is sloughing off it's lining?"

"Um. Yours, dear."

"Now, we're going to find your fucking foreskin, whether you like it or not. You wouldn't want me to get moody, now would we?"

"No, dear." BIGGAYDAN gulps nervously. I really don't like where this is heading...

"Now. I suppose the first place to start would be the hospital you were born at..."

"Yeah, hi, I'm looking for the rest of my boyfriend's dick?"

The receptionist wasn't exactly paying attention, and could only blink a few times at the question posed to her. BIGGAYDAN and his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND made their way to the hospital where he was born. And where he parted with some of his penis. The receptionist coughed.

"Um, excuse me?"

"Have you seen the rest of my boyfriend's dick?"

BIGGAYDAN fidgeted nervously.

"Why I never in all my years..."

"Lady, lady, relax, I'm not asking that. I want information on what happens to the foreskin after it's snipped off from baby boys."

"Why in the world would you want to know something like that?"

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND leaned down to where the receptionist was sitting. "Lady, I'm menstruating. If you don't..."

The receptionist laughed and put an unlabeled bottle on the counter. "Have some of these. It won't get rid of your period, but I've never had cramps while taking them."

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND shrugged and popped one into her mouth and swallowed.

"I gotta warn you though, it has some rather off side effects. Your boobies will grow one size, you'll find yourself horny and craving the genitalia of the sex you prefer. Oh, and your pubic hair will fall out."

"Wait, those are bad things?"

"Hey, some girls like being flat, celibate, and hairy."

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND pauses and shook her head, remembering why she was there.

"You must know something that can help us. Do they just toss it in the trash?"

"Hell if I know, I'm just the receptionist."

"But. See, my boyfriend is BIGGAYDAN, I was wonder..."

"BIGGAYDAN?!! THE BIGGAYDAN?!!" She looks at BIGGAYDAN for a moment, oogling him. "I can't believe I didn't notice it before. It was only a matter of time before he'd come. I.. I.. I'll get the doctor." She frantically gets up from her chair and races off.

BIGGAYDAN sighs. "Okay, now I really don't like where this is going."

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND giggles and hugs him. "See, I told you. Maybe it is sitting in a jar somewhere."

They notice a man walking rather quickly towards them. He has short hair with some signs of grey on the side, and his cleanly shaved. He looks to be in his 50's, but in good shape.

"OMGBIGGAYDAN!"

BIGGAYDAN signs. "Does everybody have to call me that?"

"But. You are just as I imagined you. So Big. So Gay. So Dan. But of course you are as such, it's impossible for you to be any other way. Come, BIGGAYDAN, there is much to tell you. Bring your transgendered friend."

"EXCUSE ME?!!"

"Miss, it's clear BIGGAYDAN is incapable of loving something that isn't male. I know you have a GIANTMANCOCK in your pants."

"No, I have a bleeding pussy, thank you very much. Want me to menstruate on your leg?"

The Doctor paused. "I'd.. rather you didn't. I'll figure this out later. Come, children."

They walked to an elevator. Taking out a key, the doctor opened a secret panel on the elevator, and pushed a button. They watched the floor indicator go down. Until it was below what was supposedly the lowest level. They continued downward until the elevator came to a comfortable stop and the doors openned. They stepped out to what seemed to be just another hospital floor. BIGGAYDAN had the strange feeling like everything was extra-white. They entered an open white room. As he looked out into it, he could barely tell where the room ended.

(Part II)

The Doctor pressed button on the wall behind them, and then walked in front of the couple, waves his arms dramatically. "All will be clear, my son."

"You're not my dad."

"You're right, I'm not. I'm sterile."

BIGGAYDAN and his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND exchanged glances. They noticed they could hear some sort of sound. Almost like marching, but faster. In unison, naked men filed in from both sides. He quickly realized they looked exactly like him. when they finished filling the room, he couldn't tell just how many look-alikes there were. Towards the center, there was a small group that looked his age, if only a year younger. As he scanned towards the edges, the ages dropped and the amount of lookalikes got greater.

The Doctor smiled. "BIGGAYDAN. Meet your BIGGAYCLONEBROTHERS."

"Oh. Um. Okay. Just how did you do this and what's the point of having so many of me? You must rack up quite a food bill, I eat a lot."

"Oh, BIGGAYDAN, isn't it obvious? I am the mastermind of the BIGGAYCONSPIRACY."

"Excuse me? And would you stop assuming I'm gay?"

"You are, too, gay, BIGGAYDAN. I thought you'd be an expert on the BIGGAYCONSPIRACY. You know that irrational fear heteros have that we'll convert their young into being BIGGAYMEN? It's all true, my son. And I intend to make that fear a reality. We were really making headway with the Gay Scouts until - god damn it - they caught on. But, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to the unconsented donation of your foreskin, I've been able to create this BIGGAYARMY. Naturally, they're all circumcised, as I don't trust any males to keep themselves clean. With every foreskin harvested, more BIGGAYDANs can be created. This is the cavalry that will lead us to victory in the War Against Heterosexuality!"

The Doctor laughed. "Boys, tell the Original who you all are."

In unison, an ominous voice spoke, "We are BIGGAYDAN."

The Doctor sarcastically sniffles. "Such wonderful BIGGAYCLONES. But, still drones. They need the guidance of the Original to show them how to truely be Big and Gay and oh so Dannish."

BIGGAYDAN couldn't help but smirk. "Um. No?"

"You will lead them, BIGGAYDAN, because it is your destiny. Together, we will create world full of GIANTMANCOCK on GIANTMANCOCK action."

BIGGAYDAN's INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND coughed. "Excuse me. You can have all the dick on dick action in the world you want, you still won't get very far without some Vagina around. Besides, you owe BIGGAYDAN a check for using his foreskin to create a clone army - without his consent, I might add."

The Doctor's eyes flared. "You little bitch, how dare you insult my master plan! You must be female, after all, it's the only way. You and your Vagina must have corrupted BIGGAYDAN, that's why he's resisting his intrinsically gay impulses!"

He moved towards her and raised his hand, as if to slap her. Reacting fast, BIGGAYDAN grabbed his arm and quietly kneed him in the testicles. He bent over slightly, gasping. Then he smiled and raised his head.

"I said I was sterile. I have no testicles."

The Doctor lunged for BIGGAYDAN's throat and toppled him over. Despite BIGGAYDAN'S athleticism, he found himself pinned with a very BIGGAYMAN on top of him. "Is this turning you on, BIGGAYDAN?"

"Only because you keep massaging my dick."

"You must submit to your gay urges. JOIN ME."

"NEVER!! I WANT PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES IN MY MOUTH!!!" In a spurt of energy, he threw the Doctor off of him. Standing, he retrieved the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE from his ass. He waved it assertively at the now cowering Doctor.

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND shook her head. "I never understood how he does that trick."

Sensing a changing of the tide, the Doctor pointed at BIGGAYDAN and screamed, "ATTACK!!" A mass of BIGGAYCLONES moved forward towards the Original. BIGGAYDAN took a step backward, but tripped on himself. In a matter of seconds, he would be in their grasp.

<center>< dramatic freeze frame >

Is this the end of of BIGGAYDAN?

Can he and his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND escape?

Will BIGGAYDAN be captured and forced to have incestous HOTGAYSEX with his BIGGAYCLONEBROTHERS?

Will the Doctor ever respect the Authority of the Vagina?

Will BIGGAYDAN's INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND stop menstuating in time for him to orally pleasure her punani?

Has the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE finally failed to save BIGGAYDAN?

Will this dramatic narrated freeze-frame ever end?

< camera zooms on BIGGAYDAN's face, while the rest of the scene remains freeze-framed >

"This is the part where Timmy does something random to save us, since there's no way we can win this without a miracle. Or, who knows, maybe he'll be anticlimatic and have us lose, I wouldn't put it past him."

< end freeze frame ></center>

"GET DOWN."

Arnold appears behind the fallen BIGGAYDAN. (His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND said "Fuck it" and made a break for it.)

"ARNOLD WILL SAVE YOU."

BIGGAYDAN takes the advice, stays down, and covers his head. Arnold fires a machine gun across the room of BIGGAYCLONES, pumping round after round into all their foreskin-engineered bodies. After the loud banging of automate gunfire and bodies slamming dead into the floor, the room remained covered in blood from floor to ceiling.

"ARNOLD HAS SAVED YOU. YOU VILL VOTE VOR ME VOR PRESIDATOR."

Noticing the still fallen Doctor, Arnold moved towards him. He started to get up to run, but Arnold grabbed him by his shirt.

"I MUST BREAK YOU."

Grabbing the doctor's neck, he nonchalantly snapped it. His slain body fell to the floor. Arnold looked over BIGGAYDAN, still on the ground and clutching the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE.

"COME, BIGGAYDAN, IT TIS TIME VOR YOU TO GET SOME PUNANI."

"...Please tell me you don't mean from you."

"YOU VUCKING PERVERT, I WAS REVERING TO YOUR INSANELYHOTGIRLVRIEND."

"OH. Of course."

*

(The next day.)

"Did you really have to run out on me?"

"Hey, I was menstruating, I've got bigger problems to worry about."

BIGGAYDAN paused.

"Aren't you on day 8? Shouldn't you be done by now?"

She smiled and laughed. "Actually, I finished about three days ago. I just figured you'd never call my bluff. You're such a jew, BIGGAYDAN."