This is something I don’t normally discuss. This is the part of me I keep hidden. This isn’t as easy to write about as the woman I call “my love”. This is one of the hardest things I have ever written.
This weight is something I carry around every day. It is a deluge of grief, sorrow, angst, pain, deceit, depression and loneliness. It is a weight I carry not in the physical sense, but it is a weight on my very soul. Everything I think or feel must travel through this waterfall of emotions that twists and turns them into thoughts of anxiety and worry.
Grief of losing loved ones who can’t be replaced. Sorrow of actions not taken. Angst of taking steps to better myself. The pain of not taking a chance on true love. The deceit I show every day when I act like I have it all together when I am dying inside. The depression of not having my best friend here to help me figure all this out. And the most crushing of all, the loneliness of feeling alone all the time. It is a feeling that persists even when I am in a crowd of people. It is a feeling of never fitting in with anyone. The feeling that no one could understand the hell that is living inside my own mind.
I don’t think anyone would understand how I truly wish I could never have to leave my house. How I feel much safer in my house, away from people. And even here I don’t feel truly safe. I always feel like I am being watched. Like I am being chased. Sometimes I feel like I am being herded. But I know this is just the paranoia of living in my head. The paranoia that drives me mad.
Being inside my mind drives me crazy at times. The thoughts, the never ending obsessions, the changing plans. All these things cycle through my brain constantly. Never stopping, never ceasing, always brooding, always thinking.
Watching my thoughts fly by at a speed so fast I can barely grasp one. Can hardly focus until another one knocks it out of my vision and takes its place. Sometimes trying to corral my thoughts is like trying to catch a twig in a tornado.
As the thoughts pass through the weight on the other side, they come out changed. They are laced with depression, anger and anxiety. Thoughts that are meant to comfort now bring wrath. Thoughts of appeasement now offer aggression. Loving thoughts are now hatred filled diatribes full of loneliness and pain.
And these thoughts don’t stop. They just keep coming. Never ceasing. Filling my head time and again with hatred and venom. If there was a pure thought, it has been erased by the weight.
The weight ever destroying the good in my heart and replacing it with evil. The weight pressing on my soul until I am no longer who I once was. A kind considerate loving man no longer. Now, an empty hated filled lonely shell because of the weight.
Loading comments...