I have been binge watching one of my favorite all time shows. And it brings a lot of similarities to light in my life and my feelings about you my love.
I am struck by how much I am like Niles in the early seasons of the show. No, struck isn’t the right expression. It slaps me in the face every time I watch it. He is married to Maris and in love with Daphne. That is the situation the befalls me at this point in my life. Being with her and loving you. Niles goes through the first 7 seasons pining for Daphne. She brings the joy to his heart. Much like you do. When I think of you, which is almost constantly, I feel my heart overflowing with love for you.
It is an episode of Frasier called “Daphne Returns” that really tears me up. In this episode, Niles and Daphne get into their first fight. In the midst of all this, Daphne asks Niles to leave her coming home party. When Frasier comes in to check on his brother, they go back through out the past episodes to build a timeline of how long Niles has had these feelings for her. It goes back to the first episode when Niles met Daphne. Frasier said looking back that she’s “a stranger to you and yet you’re ready to hand her.” That was how I felt when I first met you. But I stuffed those feelings away and acted aloof. But when I first laid my eyes on you 5 years ago, I would have given you anything.
Later in the episode, he goes into all the reasons he has learned since that first meeting that make her special. And while it is true that I do not know all your little idiosyncrasies, I do know what makes you special to me. You have the most caring heart I have ever known. You are a wonderful mother. You are a terrific nurse. You are an intelligent woman. You are a Christian. But there is a lot more that makes you special. The way your eyes sparkle when you’re happy. The sound of your laugh makes me giddy. When you say my name, it fills my heart up. When you flip your hair, it drives me wild.
Frasier is trying to tell Niles that Niles has put Daphne on an unattainable pedestal. And how that has put pressure on Daphne because she has 7 years of his “fantasy” to live up to. Daphne gained 60 pounds and the only one who didn’t see it was Niles. All, according to Frasier, Niles saw was the fantasy Daphne he has in his mind. I look back at your pregnancy and think about what I see. Because I think back to all the things I have said about you. I have said you are perfect, a goddess, the epitome of what a woman should be. But am I putting pressure on you with these thoughts that you should try to live up to them? Because to me, it isn’t your body that is perfect, it is your heart, soul and your personality that is perfect. That doesn’t change no matter your weight.
Niles said this later in the conversation. “Help me understand, why is everyone acting like I have done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving Daphne, and that is all I have ever done.” Frasier answered him by saying, “Yes. Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love WITH her, you were in love AT her.” This scene breaks my heart when I think of my feelings for you my love. I have to ask myself this question, is that what I have been doing? Throwing my love AT you, and not being in love WITH you. I truly and honestly do not think this is what I have been doing. I fought these feelings I have for you for 4 years before I finally started giving some credence that they were real. And then I told you how I felt. I blurted it out. You told me after that that I needed to go back in the house with her. And I did, but all the while, I wanted to tell you that I didn’t want her, I just wanted you. You are truly the love of my life. But like Niles many times throughout the series, I chickened out that time.
Niles later asks Frasier why he would see fantasy Daphne when he can have the real Daphne. Frasier says, “Maybe Daphne’s not the only one who’s afraid she won’t measure up. Maybe you’re afraid too.” That is my fear, that I won’t measure up to the lofty pedestal I put you on. I have told you before that you deserve only the best in everything. And I am not the best at anything. I have thought to myself numerous times, how does a pauper measure up to a queen. I, in my mind, are the pauper. I am so down on myself because of my past and being talked down to, that I believe what has been said about me. I feel in my head that I am worthless. I feel practically useless. And I see all you do and all you accomplish. When I see this, I don’t feel worthy of you. And even though I shouldn’t feel this way, I still do.
However, there is a difference as well between me and Niles. Daphne didn’t know until season 7 that Niles loved her. And it took her by total surprise. As I have discussed earlier, I told you how I feel. And I think it shocked you as much as it did Daphne. But more recently, I have started to tell you how I feel. I have sent you letters, and even started telling you to your face that “I love you”. I even made a playlist for you that has songs that tell how I feel about you. Almost 18 hours of music about my feelings for you. I listen to it constantly, and I have even shared it with you. It is the playlist I am most proud of because, to me, it is REAL. It tells you how I feel in ways I could never express with my words. I told you I don’t feel skilled enough or talented enough to explain to you the breadth or depth of my feelings for you. Some songs only have one or two lines that discuss my feelings. Others, on the other hand, it is the whole song the deals with these emotions.
There is a quote earlier in the series that says, “You don’t want to spend half of your life thinking about a chance you didn’t take.” I know this is true because I have done this. I should have taken the chance with you. There was a time when you were single. And I should have taken the chance but once again, like Niles, I kept my mouth shut. And when I finally did open my mouth, it was too late. You were his. You were married to him. And I hear all the things he does, or in this case, doesn’t do and it burns me up inside. You deserve to be treated better than he treats you. You should want to spend time with your spouse, not be gone all the time. He should help you raise the children, not leave it all to your hands. You deserve a break. But I never hear you getting one.
You should be treated like the queen you are, not the pauper that I see him treat you like. A man should always treat his wife like a queen. And he doesn’t treat you that way. And to know this burns me up.
I will leave you with this my love. The only thing I am guilty of is loving you. Wrong or right doesn’t matter to me. It is what I will always do. Be in love WITH you.
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