my brain feels all fuzzy. yesterday was a good day at work. i’m learning haley’s role while she’s on maternity leave, and it felt good to be around my coworkers, because we just laughed all day about different things. my desk is sort of secluded, which can be nice, but i feel a bit like i’m on an island staring at everyone on the shore across the sea. i feel that this is an opportunity to prove myself as an asset and a team player, and to hopefully be effective in my role as well as haley’s.
this company is going to retain these employees forever. the vibe here is that everyone is family. everyone laughs together, feels comfortable being themselves, no one is micromanaged, and everyone is a team player. we are a team, and i genuinely like everyone i work with. i would be friends with them, and i don’t really want to be friends with very many people. it’s a shockingly healthy environment with no ego at all. everyone works hard, wants to do a good job, and is cheered on by each other.
i still feel shell-shocked from my last job, and my resentment is so large. brian told me that jeremy’s cubical had been partially cut down so that they can keep an eye on what he’s doing. that makes me happy. he came down on me so hard about everything, and was a total hypocrite the entire time. i got so much work done, and i was such a good employee. after i had a child, he just changed, and he became a complete asshole. i think he had a weird affinity to me. he would tell me things like, “i can’t talk to my wife like i can talk to you,” and he took me on a joy ride in his car, which was so stupid. he would puff up his ego around me, and it was like he never really condensed himself down into a human being. he always carried this tense, unfeeling, cold, almost sociopathic demeanor, and it made me very uncomfortable.
yesterday, ronan and i went and got a pizza and were both quite excited to eat it. we sat on the couch and ate, and i watched tv while he watched youtube on my phone, which i resent myself for allowing, but am conflicted about the benefit vs. the cost. we went outside and played for a while, and i laid in the driveway as ronan gathered rocks for me. i was lying on my back, staring at the sky, thinking about how there is a commerce to everything. every single thing you choose to do, you’re exchanging something valuable. that could be your time, your attention. maybe you’re sacrificing progress in the name of rest. maybe you’re paying the wages of poor nutrition and guilt for a slice of cake. i’m going to start thinking about the commerce of my decisions, and i’m going to try to determine if it is worth it to pay what i’m paying for what i’m receiving.
right now, i’m drinking a coke, and i don’t know how much i’m really enjoying it. i feel like i just need the caffeine to wake up, because i took 2 benadryl last night instead of one, and i’m groggy today.
i think about my relationship with nick a lot. i feel like we don’t make much progress together because we only see each other 2 out of every 7 days due to our work schedules. when i write about my day, there’s very little nick in it. we interact, we facetime, we text, but we don’t get to have intimate conversations or really connect in a cerebral way.
i just had a conversation with rachael about our country. she said she thinks the system works against everyone, and i totally disagree. i think the system has its flaws (student loans, health care), but i think anyone who tries and who wants to succeed absolutely can succeed. there are so many ways to get ahead in this country, you just have to pick your lane and really dedicate yourself to it. i dropped out of high school and do not have a college degree, and i’m making decent money and working at a dream company. i’m the office manager. i just worked my way into a good position at a great place through hard work and dedication, and being adaptable and willing to learn. i just think you have to take personal responsibility for every fucking thing in your life. you may not have been the cause of a situation, but you have total and complete control over your reaction to it.
any time i want, i can go back to school and get a degree in whatever i choose. that’s amazing. there’s always an opportunity.
nick’s parents both got their degrees when they were in their 40s. nick’s mom makes 6 figures now and has been extraordinarily successful even while raising 3 children and dealing with a number of setbacks in her life. she came from extreme poverty, with many siblings, and she is an incredible woman. i truly believe that this is possible, and i resent the public narrative that the country works against people. i do not deny that there have been and still are systemic issues, but i believe in personal responsibility and acknowledging your role in placing yourself in the position you’re in. you have to accept your role in the situation, and then ask yourself what YOU can do to improve things.
there’s also the issue of mental health crises. it’s skyrocketing in america, and there are people working on solutions. stigma is disappearing and people are acknowledging their depression and anxiety publicly, and they are seeking help at higher rates than ever. it’s incredible, truly. but then there’s the healthcare issue, and therapy is expensive. it really is kind of a cycle of pain. it’s just another type of commerce. something to sacrifice in order to gain something else.
i think i need to see a counselor again to work through some of my traumas as a child and as a teenager. i feel like my trauma is so big compared to the rest of my life. none of my friends knew what was going on, except jake, who came to my rescue, and whose parents loved me and prepared to make a bedroom for me in their house. i really don’t know if they’re aware how much that means to me. i felt like adults hated me. like i was bad. i had friends whose parents said i was a bad influence and they didnt want to hang out with me. aimee and geena stopped being friends with me because i lost my virginity, god forbid, and they told the entire youth group and church about it. they stopped being my friend. i had to drop aimee as a friend this year, permanently. i don’t know why i didn’t do it sooner.
but the point is, i felt like jake’s parents loved me. they heard my mom speaking ill of me to them, as if she was ashamed of me, and they did not like it. they were my parents in a lot of ways. they kept me safe, they fed me, and they loved me, and i am forever grateful. i want to be that to ronan’s friends. i want them to know that my house is a safe place, a haven, a place of comfort and joy, and that i will respect them and love them in spite of their silly youth, in spite of their opinions, in spite of their issues. we all have them. we are all learning. i want to replicate the love and acceptance that was shown to me by my best friend and his beautiful family.
sometimes i feel like there’s not enough space for me in my life. like i’m the respondent to my friends’ issues, i’m fully engaged in their world. i’m really trying to love and understand them. but i don’t really put the spotlight on myself and what’s going on in my head. maybe that’s why i’ve always written. maybe that’s why i have an entire tub full of journals that i’ve been writing throughout my life. i should get them out and unpack all of my old thoughts–try to understand that girl. she feels so far away now, but i know she was good. i know she is still good.
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