How I feel in Stuff

I’ve come here to write a few times but just didn’t feel like I was ready to put it all into words. Today I’ll make a solid effort. The bottom line is that I’ve somewhat unexpectedly found myself in a relationship with Kayla. It’s not that it happened against my will or anything, but I still find myself questioning my decisions and motives.

A couple weeks ago I was preparing dinner and got a knock on the door. I really don’t get any unexpected visitors especially now that Megan just walks right in without knocking, so I didn’t know who it would be. I opened the door to find Kayla. She and I had been hanging out a lot and really enjoying our time together, but she’d never just shown up at my door.

She explained she had to stop by and see Megan about something and figured while she was there she’d also say hello to me. I invited her inside but we decided to walk down to a coffee shop together instead. We sat there talking for nearly three hours. Something I’ve noticed to be true about time that I spend with her is that hours fly by like minutes. That’s probably a sign of how much I like her. I was thinking about that as we started to walk back. It’s been a long time since a new person has come into my life that I’ve liked so much.

Almost like she was reading my thoughts, she told me there was something she needed to tell me and she wasn’t sure how I would react. I told her to go ahead, feeling a little apprehensive about what it might be. Then she blurted out, “I have a huge crush on you.”

She went on to say that she realizes that this is going to make things awkward in our friendship but she also felt that it would be weird for us to hang out and have her crushing on me the whole time in secret. I had no idea how to respond but agreed that neither situation was ideal. I told her that I liked her a lot and she was a really good friend. She responded that she realized she couldn’t expect me to suddenly become a lesbian and she knows it doesn’t work that way.

I was thinking about how a conversation like this could really in fact ruin our friendship and it made me sad considering I had just been thinking about how happy I was to have her as a friend. Without giving much thought to my words, I said something to her about how I’m 51 and I haven’t yet had any successful relationship with men, so maybe I should give women a try. I’m not sure I would have said that if I had paused to think about it, but I allowed myself to be in the moment.

It was her turn to feel awkward. She mumbled her way through something about how she didn’t want to talk me into doing something I would end up hating or regretting. I told her that the idea of being in a romantic relationship with her hadn’t even entered my mind until that very moment and I was still processing my feelings. She said she would let me come to terms with what I wanted and wouldn’t push me.

I grabbed her hand and held it for the rest of the walk back. When we got to her car she asked me if she could kiss me. I playfully offered her my cheek, which she kissed. Then I said another thing that I might not have shared with her if I had given it more thought. I told her that I had threesomes when I was with Olsen’s dad and had also had sex with women while he watched. I added that I definitely enjoyed every minute of it, but I wasn’t sure if it was really because I was having sex with a woman or because I was sharing the experience with him.

We walked about that for a bit. Then she (I think she was joking) said that if I wanted, she was completely willing to go inside and have sex with me right then and there. I laughed and told her I would see her again soon, encouraging her to get into her car. She leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips, then she left.

I walked inside wondering what I had just done and wondering if I should have done it. I had more or less agreed to be in a lesbian relationship even though I identify as straight. Why would I do that? I was home alone that night and I thought about it a lot. I realized that I love Kayla. Maybe not a romantic love, but the feelings I have for her are definitely love.

Three days passed without anything more than a few innocent text messages between us. When it was the weekend she asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with her somewhere and we decided to meet at a Korean restaurant in Chinatown. It would be the first time seeing her since that night and I suspected things would feel weird.

This time I greeted her with a kiss. I did it mostly because I knew she would do it if I didn’t, and I wanted to dominant about it. We went inside and had a nice dinner and talked like normal. It wasn’t until the end of the meal that she asked me if I had thought much about our conversation from earlier in the week and I said that I had. I paused for a moment, this time considering my words before saying them, and I said, “I came to the conclusion that I love you and I think that’s a great starting place for a relationship.”

She was looking down at her plate but raised her eyes and looked at me and said, “I love you too.”

I laughed a little. Normally declarations of love come a little later in a relationship. We went back to my place. We hung out on the couch and watched television and cuddled a little but not much. It was more or less normal except a little more touching than usual. Mercy was home and I didn’t even feel like she might “catch” us doing anything because we really weren’t doing anything.

When it got later, I told her she could spend the night if she wanted. We slept together and cuddled in bed. I wore pajamas which felt weird because I almost always sleep naked. She wore her underwear and a t-shirt. When we woke up I was actually feeling nervous because I thought we’d have sex and I wasn’t sure I was ready to take that step. But instead she got up and used the bathroom and came back to ask me if we should go out for coffee or if we should make some at home.

If I’m being fully honest, I felt relieved we didn’t have sex.

We spent the morning together and when she left we kissed again, this time a bit more passionately. I was starting to feel like a kid dating for the first time and not knowing what to do. I texted her that night when I realized Mercy and Harrison were both going out and again I would just be home alone. I asked her if she wanted to come over and hang out.

Her text response was, “Actually, I’d really like to fuck you.”

It was like a switch flipped in me. I felt instant arousal unlike anything I’d experienced in a long time. I texted back, “Tonight we fuck.” And I giggled to myself as I hit send.

We had sex that night and then again the next morning. Then again later that day. We’re feeling that new relationship energy and sex is frequent and intense. Right now our relationship is kind of a secret mostly because telling someone I’m dating a woman isn’t the same as telling someone I’m dating a man. The kids know. Megan knows and is delighted about it.

I’m not going to be closeted so it’s only a matter of time until I tell more people. It’s a bit of an adjustment for sure. So much so that I don’t even really know how I feel.