What I should say to you, but I won't in All Out of Balance

I’m feeling down because I feel like a conciliation prize. I’m not the active choice, but the comfortable choice for right now. The entire time we’ve been dating I never felt that way until now.

I gave you advice to help you in your other relationships, that honestly would have hurt me if you took it. It was in those moments I realized that I was doing something for you that made me feel second rate. Now to be fair, I might be making myself feel this way and you don’t think of me in that way at all. You may be actively choosing me because you want me with you, and not just bc we’re comfortable together.

The night before my graduation last month, I told you I loved you. This was shortly after you told me that 2 months prior you decided to renew your lease and not move back to Cali just yet, and I was a part of the reason you decided to stay. Your actions tell me you love me, but is that just the honeymoon phase of infatuation. That you’re just kind hearted and do care for me, so it just gets expressed in a strong way. You’ve told me before that if you knew you were staying in the state our relationship would be a different conversation, but all I hear when you say that is you don’t want nor see a future with me.

I’m not ready for our relationship to be over, but I fear it’s coming to an end bc I don’t see you wanting to overcome distance to make something work with me. You might be leaving soon, and I know that stresses you especially if it’s by force.

I was reading an article, and the last paragraph resonated with me.

“But people become relationship ready and fall in love at their own pace. Just because you got there faster, it doesn’t mean your partner isn’t ever going to catch up. If you’re willing to wait, then great. If not, that’s OK too. Just always remember that you are worthy of the love you truly deserve.”

At first I was willing to wait simply bc I was enjoying my time, your company, and our chemistry. But now that I’m feeling down about our relationship I’m not sure that’s enough anymore. Has our chemistry changed, do you not want me like you used to, are your life stressors making it impossible for us to have what I thought we had.

I want to be desired mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually, intimately, enthusiastically! I don’t want to question your desire for me. Lately, I question…

I don’t need you to be in love with me, but I do need you to love me. I was laying on your bed looking up at the ceiling, and you were busy putting things away in your room. You passed my leg and gently kissed the top of my thigh. I asked what was that for, and you laughed saying “what I can’t kiss you? ” Then smiled at me and continued putting your things away. That moment made everything inside me smile.

You talk about how much your life has changed for the worse, and that your experiences have shook your personal values. That root things you used to believe in you don’t believe anymore. The pessimist in you sees the world so negatively at times. But somehow the person you are right now exactly the way you are is someone I’ve fallen for. And if you didn’t have the things that happened to you happen, you never would have crossed paths with me.

Are you too stressed and/or depressed to be with me the way I need? Do you desire me? I mean with a fiery excitement. An intensity that makes you question if you need me, not just want me. Honestly I don’t even know if I feel that way about you, but that’s really bc i hold myself back in an attempt to not get more caught up emotionally than I already am.

Bottom line, do you really want me…

Last updated July 06, 2019